Professional like doctors, nurses and teachers make a greater contribution to society and should be paid more than sports and entertainment professionals. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Part 2
6.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

In some way, I agree that the doctors, nurses or, and teachers has bigve a significant contribution to society comparinged to professionals related to sports and entertainment, and I think they need to get morereceive higher salaryies. However, in my opinion, it is not fulentirely correct. On athe one hand, there are many reasons why doctors, teachers, and nurses may to getdeserve higher wages. Firstly, these professionals make an essential impact ton society because their work is connected to such significant areas of livfe like health and education. For example, doctors help ill people, nurses look after patients in the hospitals, and teachers provide knowledges for children in the schools. Secondly, becoming a doctor or teacher is a very hard and long way whichjourney that requires a lot of efforts. Students shouldmust study for many years inat university to get thisobtain these proffessions. Thirdly, these workjobs often accompany bye with stressful conditions, high responsibility, and requires full concentration. On the other hand, in my opinionI believe that proffessional sportsmens and actors also play quite importanta crucial role in society. People need sports and entertainment to reduce stress and have an rest fromtake a break from their routines and problems. Popular football players like Ronaldo or singers like Adele encourage a lot ofmany people dto engage in sports and music that, which can improve their lives. Moreover, the requirements to thisfor these professionals isare also very high. They shouldmust demonstrate exclusiveeptional skills and train a lot forextensively to achieve their goals and become famous. To sum up, I believe that the contributions of doctors, nurses, and teachers contribution to society isare very high and maybeperhaps more important, but the contributions of professionals related toin sports and entertainment should not be undervalued.
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Expert Feedback

The essay presents a clear position on the contributions of healthcare professionals compared to those in sports and entertainment, which is a key strength. The examples provided are relevant and illustrate the points made. However, there are critical areas for improvement, particularly in grammatical accuracy, spelling, and the use of cohesive devices to enhance the flow of ideas. Structural changes included correcting subject-verb agreement, improving transitions between paragraphs, and addressing spelling errors. Further improvements could involve elaborating on counterarguments and providing more specific examples of the societal contributions of sports and entertainment professionals. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and analytical style throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with clear paragraphs, but the flow of ideas could be improved. Some transitions between sentences and ideas are abrupt, which affects the overall coherence. For instance, the transition from discussing the contributions of healthcare professionals to those in sports could be smoother. Using more cohesive devices, such as 'furthermore' or 'in addition,' would enhance the clarity of the argument.
6.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains several grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues (e.g., 'doctors, nurses or teachers has big contribution') and awkward phrasing (e.g., 'may to get higher wages'). While the writer attempts to use complex sentences, the errors affect clarity. To improve, the writer should focus on grammatical accuracy and vary sentence structures more effectively.
5.5
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several spelling errors (e.g., 'entertaiment,' 'proffesions,' 'resons') that detract from the overall quality. The writer demonstrates some range in vocabulary, but there is repetition of certain terms (e.g., 'professionals,' 'society'). To improve, the writer should focus on using a wider range of synonyms and ensuring correct spelling.
6.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the prompt by presenting a clear position on the contribution of doctors, nurses, and teachers compared to sports and entertainment professionals. It provides relevant examples to support the argument, although the development of ideas could be more thorough. To improve, the writer could elaborate on the counterarguments and provide more specific examples of how sports and entertainment contribute to society.
6.5

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