Psychological illnesses may not be as obvious as physical disabilities or illnesses. Nevertheless, they are just as disabling in their own way. Society, however, is more accepting of those with physical than psychological illnesses or disabilities, the latter being regarded as a 'taboo' subject sometimes. To what extent do you agree with this view?
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The essay effectively addresses the prompt and presents a clear position that agrees with the view that society is more accepting of physical illnesses than psychological ones. Key strengths include a logical progression of ideas and relevant examples that support the main arguments. However, there are critical areas for improvement, such as the inclusion of more specific examples or statistics to substantiate arguments and the use of varied vocabulary to enhance lexical richness. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, such as 'the mental health problem are becoming' to 'mental health problems are becoming' and 'suffering from the mental illness' to 'suffer from mental illnesses.' Additionally, I varied some phrases to avoid repetition, such as changing 'mental illness' to 'mental health conditions.' Further improvements could include incorporating more varied linking words and phrases to enhance coherence and cohesion, as well as providing specific examples or statistics to strengthen the arguments. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and objective stance throughout.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The essay is well-organized, with a logical progression of ideas. Each paragraph flows smoothly into the next, and cohesive devices are used effectively to link ideas. For instance, the use of phrases like 'On the other hand' and 'Another factor' helps to clarify the contrast between physical and mental illnesses. To enhance coherence, the writer could use more varied linking words to further enrich the text.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The essay displays a good range of grammatical structures, with mostly accurate usage. There are minor errors, such as 'the mental health problem are becoming' (should be 'problems are becoming') and 'suffering from the mental illness' (should be 'mental illnesses'). These errors do not significantly impede understanding, but addressing them would enhance the overall grammatical accuracy.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate and conveys the intended meaning effectively. Terms like 'stigma,' 'accommodations,' and 'legitimate medical condition' demonstrate a good range of vocabulary. However, there are some repetitive phrases, such as 'mental illness' and 'physical illnesses,' which could be varied to enhance lexical richness. Incorporating synonyms or related terms could improve this aspect.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The essay effectively addresses the prompt by presenting a clear position that agrees with the view that society is more accepting of physical illnesses than psychological ones. It develops main ideas with relevant examples, such as the visibility of physical conditions and the stigma surrounding mental health. To improve, the writer could include more specific examples or statistics to further substantiate their arguments.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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