Rising university fees and scarce employment prospects for graduates have led some people to say that universities should not teach arts subjects, like philosophy and history, and only offer practical degree courses that maximise chances of employment. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The essay presents a clear argument against the elimination of arts subjects in universities, effectively addressing the prompt. Key strengths include a well-defined position and relevant examples that illustrate the value of arts education. However, critical areas for improvement include grammatical accuracy, coherence, and lexical variety. The structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, enhancing transitions between ideas, and improving the overall flow of the essay. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include incorporating more specific examples and synonyms to reduce repetition. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and persuasive style throughout.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The essay is generally coherent, with a logical progression of ideas. However, some sentences could be better linked to enhance the flow of the argument. For instance, the transition between discussing the importance of arts subjects and their career prospects could be smoother. Using more cohesive devices would improve the overall clarity.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The essay contains several grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement issues ('job prospects is' should be 'job prospects are') and incorrect article usage ('a specific career path' instead of 'to a specific career path'). While the overall meaning is clear, these errors detract from the overall quality. Improving grammatical accuracy and using a wider range of sentence structures would benefit the writing.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is appropriate for the topic, with some good phrases like 'critical thinking' and 'academic diversity.' However, there are instances of repetition, such as the use of 'arts subjects' and 'practical degrees.' Additionally, some word choices are awkward, such as 'offer' instead of 'offering' and 'to get job' instead of 'to get a job.' Expanding the range of vocabulary and using synonyms could enhance the score.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The essay addresses the prompt by presenting a clear position against the idea of eliminating arts subjects in universities. It develops main ideas with relevant examples, such as the skills gained from studying arts and the potential career paths for arts graduates. However, the argument could be strengthened with more specific examples and a deeper exploration of the implications of the proposed changes.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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