Schools should use films, computers and games instead of books. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Part 2
5.5

Sample Essay with Corrections

In the present days, some peaople believe schools suppose tohould change books to films, compyuters, and various games forto educate the childrens. I partly disagree with this opinion, i; I will explain the reasons for my opinion in the following paragraphs. Firstly, books are the most traditional method ofor education for many centuries. They help students to improve themir imaginiation and creativity, which are importeant for growth. Alsodditionally, textbooks have a simple structure and provide the information in a systematic and logical way. They are written by professionals with manyextensive knowledges in the field. SoTherefore, books are very useful and cannot be fully replaced fully by games or computers. Secondly, useing films and games can make learning more enjoyable and interactive for students. Visuall materials can demonstrate complex concepts more clearly. AlsoMoreover, video games can improve problem-solveing and critical thinkings skills. Computers also provide access to a wide range of resoursces and informations. SoThus, this technology should definitely be used in additional to books, but we should not forget about books completely. In conclusion, iI believe that it is important to use a combineation of books and modern technology like computoers, games, and films in schools. Books will always remain useful for systematic learning, but technology should be addintegrated to make education more effective and engaging for the new generatieon of students.
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Expert Feedback

The essay presents a clear position and addresses the prompt effectively, demonstrating a good understanding of the topic. Key strengths include a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, as well as a clear argument that partially disagrees with the idea of replacing books with technology. However, critical areas for improvement include the need for more thorough development of ideas, with specific examples to support arguments, and a greater variety of cohesive devices to enhance the flow of the essay. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving coherence with better transitions, and refining vocabulary to reduce repetition and spelling mistakes. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include incorporating specific examples of subjects where technology enhances learning and varying sentence structures to improve grammatical range. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and objective style throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and transitions between ideas could be smoother. For example, phrases like 'Firstly' and 'Secondly' are used, but more varied linking words could enhance the flow. Improving the connection between sentences and ideas would increase coherence.
6.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains several grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues (e.g., 'books are most tradition method'), incorrect verb forms (e.g., 'demonstrat', 'solveing'), and punctuation errors (e.g., missing commas). While the overall meaning is clear, these errors affect the clarity and professionalism of the writing. A greater variety of sentence structures and improved accuracy would enhance this score.
5.0
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several spelling errors (e.g., 'peaple', 'compyuters', 'importent', 'definitly', 'generatien') that detract from the overall quality. While some sophisticated terms are present, the repetition of words like 'books' and 'technology' could be reduced by using synonyms or paraphrasing. Expanding the range of vocabulary would improve this score.
5.5
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the prompt by presenting a clear position that partially disagrees with the idea of replacing books with films, computers, and games. However, the development of ideas could be more thorough, with more specific examples to support the arguments. For instance, mentioning specific subjects where technology enhances learning could strengthen the argument. Additionally, the conclusion could be more definitive in summarizing the main points.
6.0

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