Shopping is more comfortable and satisfying nowadays. Do you agree or disagree?
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument in favour of modern shopping methods. Key strengths of the essay include a clear stance on the topic and a basic structure that includes an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The writer effectively highlights the convenience of online shopping and the benefits of shopping malls. Critical areas for improvement include addressing grammatical errors, enhancing vocabulary variety, and providing more specific examples to support the arguments. The original essay contained numerous spelling mistakes and awkward phrasing, which have been corrected in the revised version. Additionally, the use of cohesive devices has been improved to enhance the flow of ideas. Structural changes made include refining the introduction for clarity, improving transitions between paragraphs, and ensuring that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include incorporating more detailed comparisons between online and traditional shopping, as well as using a wider range of vocabulary to avoid repetition. The tone of the essay is appropriate for an academic context, maintaining a formal and objective style throughout.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the flow of ideas is sometimes disrupted by awkward phrasing and grammatical errors. To improve coherence, the writer should use more cohesive devices and ensure that each paragraph logically connects to the next. For example, using transition words like 'furthermore' or 'in addition' could enhance the flow.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The essay contains numerous grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues ('I am agree'), incorrect verb forms ('become more populer'), and awkward sentence structures. While the meaning is generally clear, these errors detract from the overall quality. To improve, the writer should focus on using correct grammatical structures and varying sentence types to demonstrate a wider range of grammatical competence.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several spelling errors (e.g., 'satisfiying', 'convinient', 'shoping') and repetitive phrases (e.g., 'more comfortable', 'more satisfying'). To improve, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary and check for spelling accuracy. Incorporating synonyms and varied expressions would enhance the lexical resource.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The essay addresses the prompt by expressing agreement with the statement that shopping is more comfortable and satisfying nowadays. However, it lacks depth in argumentation and could benefit from more specific examples and clearer reasoning. For improvement, the writer could elaborate on the benefits of online shopping versus traditional shopping with more detailed comparisons.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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