Shops should not be allowed to sell any food or drinks that have been scientifically proven to be bad for people's health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Part 2
5.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

Nowadays, there are many food and drinks which are beenthat are sold in shops thatwhich scientist proved its bad for health of peoples have proven to be bad for people's health. I am agree that shops should not be allowed to sell thisese kinds of thingproducts. There are someeveral reasons why i amI think like this ithis, which I will explain this below. Firstly, if shops sell food or drinks whichthat are harmful to people's health, it can lead to more people toindividuals buying and useing them. For example, if a shop sells the cigarettes, many people may be tempted to buy ithem and start smoking, even if they know that itsthey are unhealthy. This is because when something is easily available, people are more likely to try it or use it regularly, even if it is bad fodetrimental to their them. alth. Secondly, shops have a responsibility to help to protect the health of the public by not selling products are dangeroudangerous products. Shops are part fromof the community, and they should care about the well-being of their customoers. If they sell thingitems wthat are proven to cause health problems, they are fail in their responsibility to the community. Additionally, the government should doimplement regulations to prevent shops ofrom selling these harmfull products, as it is the government's role forto protect citizens. In conclusion, I strongliy agree that shops must not be allowed to sell any food and drinks whichthat hasve been scientifically shown to be unhealthy. This is important forto discourage people from consumeing these products and for shops to fulfill their responsibilities to society. GThe government should also plays a role in regulateing what shops can sell to protect public health.
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Expert Feedback

The essay presents a clear opinion that shops should not sell unhealthy food and drinks, which is a key strength. The structure is generally appropriate, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, there are critical areas for improvement, particularly in grammatical accuracy and the development of ideas. The original essay contained numerous grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that disrupted the flow of ideas. In the corrected version, I focused on improving grammatical structures, enhancing coherence with better transitions, and clarifying the argument. Suggestions for further improvement include providing more specific examples and elaborating on the consequences of selling unhealthy products. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and persuasive style throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the flow of ideas is occasionally disrupted by awkward phrasing and unclear connections between sentences. To enhance coherence, the writer should use more cohesive devices and ensure that each idea logically follows from the previous one.
5.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains numerous grammatical errors, including issues with subject-verb agreement, verb forms, and sentence structure (e.g., 'i am agree' should be 'I agree'). These errors affect the overall clarity of the writing. To improve, the writer should focus on using correct grammatical structures and proofreading their work for mistakes.
4.5
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several instances of repetition and misuse of words (e.g., 'scientist proved its bad for health' should be 'scientists have proven it to be bad for health'). The writer could benefit from using a wider range of vocabulary and more precise language to convey their ideas more effectively.
5.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the prompt by expressing a clear opinion that shops should not sell unhealthy food and drinks. However, the development of ideas is somewhat limited, and the examples provided could be more specific and relevant. To improve, the writer could include more detailed examples and elaborate on the consequences of selling unhealthy products.
5.5

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