Should the government regulate the fast food industry in the same way that it regulates the drug, alcohol, and tobacco industries?

Part 1 (Academic)
6.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

Nowadays, in modern life, fast food companies ishave become more and more rampant. They are often sayingclaim that fast food is contributinges significantly to the obesity problem and causinges numerous health issues a lot tofor people. Because of thatis, some people argue that the government needs to controlling the fast food industry same like theyin the same way it does for drugs, alcohol, and tobacco. I am agreed with this opinion for a several of reasons. Firstly, fast food can be addictive in a similar way liketo drugs. The salt, fat, and sugar in fast foods make them very addictiveppealing. That's why many people, especially the youngers eat generation, consume fast foods very frequently and in large amounts. This overeating is leadings to serious health problems likesuch as obesity, heart disease, and diabetes tofor many peopleindividuals. Government regulation can help limit the amount of unhealthfuly ingredients allowed in fast food and reduce the risk ofor addiction. Secondly, fast food advertising isheavily targets children heavily. Just like tobacco companies in the past, many fast food companies run ads and promotions aimed forat kids. Toys, games, and bright colours all of these things arere all used to attract children forto fast food restaurants. This is unethical because children cannot fully understand the health risks. G involved. The government haves a responsibility to protect young people from this kindsuch marketing, same like theyjust as it does for alcohol and tobacco. Lastly, society bears the costs for fast food related health problems. When people get sick or obesity from eating too much junk foodof health problems related to fast food. When people suffer from obesity or other health issues due to excessive junk food consumption, the healthcare system must caringe for them. This is puts a strain on hospitals and taxpayers. Since all society must paybear some of the costs associated towith fast food, the government havs the right to regulate the industry and reduce thoese costs. In conclusion, I believe the government should regulate fast food in athe same way it does drugs, alcohol, and tobacco. Fast food haves addictive qualities, is marketed unethically to children's, and the health impacts havimpose high societal costs. Government oversight can help address all thisthese issues and protect public health.
DeletedOriginal textAddedCorrected text

Expert Feedback

The essay presents a clear argument for government regulation of the fast food industry, which is a key strength. The structure is logical, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, there are critical areas for improvement, particularly in grammatical accuracy and lexical variety. The original essay contained several grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement and incorrect verb forms, which have been corrected in the revised version. Additionally, the use of cohesive devices has been improved to enhance the flow of ideas. The structural changes made include refining the introduction for clarity, improving transitions between paragraphs, and correcting grammatical errors. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include providing specific examples of successful regulations in other industries and elaborating on the consequences of unregulated fast food. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and persuasive style throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the transitions between ideas could be smoother, and some sentences feel disjointed. For example, the phrase 'same like they do for drugs, alcohol and tobacco' could be rephrased for clarity. Using more cohesive devices would enhance the flow of the argument.
6.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains several grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement issues ('fastfood companies is become') and incorrect verb forms ('government need to controlling'). These errors affect the clarity of the writing. To improve, the writer should focus on sentence structure and ensure subject-verb agreement, as well as using the correct verb forms.
5.5
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are instances of repetition and awkward phrasing, such as 'fastfood companies is become more and more rampant' and 'a same way it does drugs.' The writer could improve by using a wider range of vocabulary and avoiding redundancy, for instance, by using synonyms for 'fast food' or 'government regulation.'
6.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the prompt by arguing for government regulation of the fast food industry, providing several reasons to support this stance. However, the argument could be more developed with clearer examples and a more structured approach. For improvement, the writer could elaborate on the consequences of unregulated fast food and provide specific examples of successful regulations in other industries.
6.5

Related Writing Samples

Part 1 (Academic)
8.0

You eat at your college cafeteria every lunch time. However, you think it needs some improvements. Write a letter to the college magazine. In your letter, explain what you like about the cafeteria say what is wrong with it suggest how it could be improved

Part 1 (Academic)
6.5

The graph below shows average carbon dioxide (CO2) emissions per person in the United Kingdom, Sweden, Italy and Portugal between 1967 and 2007. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

Part 1 (Academic)
6.0

The graph below gives information about the percentage of the population in four Asian countries living in cities from 1970 to 2020, with predictions for 2030 and 2040. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

Part 1 (Academic)
5.0

The pie charts show the destination of export goods in three countries in 2010.

Part 1 (Academic)
5.0

The chart below shows the expenditure of two countries on consumer goods in 2010.

Part 1 (Academic)
5.0

"Violence in playgrounds is increasing. However, it is important that parents should teach children not to hit back at bullies."