"Sociology"
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the topic of sociology and its significance. Key strengths include the relevant information provided about the field and its various aspects. However, critical areas for improvement include grammatical accuracy, coherence, and the use of a wider range of vocabulary. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving transitions between ideas, and ensuring proper subject-verb agreement. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include incorporating specific examples or case studies to enhance the discussion on social problems and using more sophisticated vocabulary to elevate the writing. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and informative style.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The essay presents ideas in a logical order, but the transitions between sentences and paragraphs could be improved for better flow. Some sentences feel disjointed, and the use of cohesive devices is limited. For instance, using phrases like 'Furthermore' or 'In addition' could help connect ideas more effectively. A clearer introduction and conclusion would also enhance coherence.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The essay contains several grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues ('Sociology is subjects'), incorrect verb forms ('look' should be 'looks'), and awkward constructions ('to work toward create' should be 'to work toward creating'). These errors affect clarity and detract from the overall quality of the writing. Improving grammatical accuracy and using a wider range of sentence structures would enhance the score.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are instances of repetition and inaccuracies, such as 'subjects' instead of 'subject' and 'interested' instead of 'interesting.' The use of phrases like 'social problems' and 'inequality' is effective, but the essay could benefit from a wider range of vocabulary. Incorporating more sophisticated terms would elevate the writing.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The essay addresses the topic of sociology and provides relevant information about its significance and areas of study. However, it lacks a clear structure and some points could be more developed. For example, the discussion on social problems could include specific examples or case studies to enhance understanding. Additionally, the essay does not fully adhere to the word limit for IELTS Task 1, which is 150 words.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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