Some children spend hours every day on smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

Part 2
5.5

Sample Essay with Corrections

Nowadays, childrens are spend too much time on smartphones. In my opinion, this is a badnegative development, and iI will explain why iI think so in this essay. First, there are someeveral reasons thatwhy children are usinguse smartphones for many hours pereach day. One reason is that smartphones have many interesting things, like games and videos. These make children to keep using themoffer engaging content, such as games and videos, which keep children entertained. Another reason is that some parents give phones to their kids to entertainoccupy them when parentsthey are busy. With the phone, children get busyremain occupied and do not disturb their parents when they have a lot of works. As a result, smartphone usage among children is becoming more common thisese days. I think I believe this is a negative development. When children spend too muchexcessive time on phones, they do not go outside and play with friends. This is harmful forto their physical health, as they sit all the time and do not get enough exercise. Alsodditionally, childrens do not learn how to talk tocommunicate with people face to face, because they are only looking at screens and not talkingengaging in conversation. This can lead to social skills problems in the future. In addition, using phones too muchFurthermore, excessive phone usage can distract from schoolworks and studying. As we can see, the consequences of excessive phone usage has many bad consequences for kids. are detrimental to children. In conclusion, iI believe children are spending lot oftoo much time on phones because ofdue to the entertainments that smartphones provide and because parents use phones to keep kids busy. However, this is not a positive trend, as it can negatively impact children's health, social skills, and studiesacademic performance. Parents need to limit their children's phone usage to avoid these issues.
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Expert Feedback

The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the task and presents a coherent argument regarding the negative impact of smartphone usage among children. Key strengths of the essay include a clear opinion stated in the introduction and a logical structure with distinct paragraphs. The writer effectively identifies reasons for smartphone usage and discusses the consequences, which aligns with the task requirements. Critical areas for improvement include enhancing the depth of the argument by providing specific examples or statistics to support claims. Additionally, the use of cohesive devices could be improved to create smoother transitions between ideas. The vocabulary could be more varied to avoid repetition and inaccuracies, and grammatical accuracy needs attention, particularly with subject-verb agreement and punctuation. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving coherence with better transitions, and enhancing vocabulary for clarity and sophistication. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include incorporating specific examples or studies to support claims and varying sentence structures to enhance the overall complexity of the writing. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and objective stance throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the flow of ideas could be improved with better use of cohesive devices. For instance, transitions between sentences and paragraphs could be smoother. Using phrases like 'Furthermore' or 'In addition' would enhance the coherence of the argument.
5.5
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains several grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement ('childrens are spend' should be 'children spend') and incorrect use of articles ('a bad development' instead of 'bad development'). There are also issues with punctuation and capitalization (e.g., 'i' should be 'I'). While the meaning is generally clear, improving grammatical accuracy and range would significantly enhance the writing.
5.0
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are instances of repetition (e.g., 'children', 'phones') and some inaccuracies (e.g., 'childrens' should be 'children's'). The use of more varied and sophisticated vocabulary would enhance the essay. For example, instead of 'interesting things', the writer could use 'engaging content' or 'entertaining applications'.
5.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task by discussing reasons why children spend time on smartphones and presents a clear opinion that this is a negative development. However, the development of ideas could be more thorough, with more specific examples and a deeper exploration of the consequences. For improvement, the writer could include statistics or studies to support their claims.
6.0

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