Some countries are experiencing a growing trend where men choose to be stay-at-home fathers while their wives pursue full-time careers. Discuss the reasons for this change and evaluate whether this development has positive or negative implications for society.
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The essay effectively addresses the task by discussing the reasons for the trend of men becoming stay-at-home fathers and evaluating its implications for society. Key strengths include a clear structure with relevant examples and a logical flow of ideas. However, critical areas for improvement include enhancing the depth of evaluation regarding negative implications and improving the use of cohesive devices for smoother transitions. Structural changes made include refining transitions and correcting grammatical errors to enhance clarity and formality. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include varying vocabulary to reduce repetition and incorporating more complex grammatical structures to demonstrate a higher level of proficiency. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and objective stance throughout.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The essay is generally coherent, with a logical flow of ideas. The use of cohesive devices is present, but there are moments where transitions could be smoother. For example, phrases like 'Another thing that makes this happen' could be replaced with more formal transitions such as 'Additionally' or 'Furthermore' to enhance the academic tone. Overall, the organization is clear, but slight improvements in cohesion would elevate the score.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The grammatical structures used are generally accurate, but there are some errors that affect clarity, such as 'if father stays at home' (should be 'if the father stays at home') and 'wife makes enough money for whole family' (should be 'the wife makes enough money for the whole family'). The range of grammatical structures is adequate, but more complex sentences could be employed to demonstrate a higher level of grammatical proficiency.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is appropriate and conveys the intended meaning effectively. There are instances of repetition, such as the use of 'children' and 'family,' which could be varied with synonyms or paraphrasing. The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, but the use of more sophisticated expressions and varied word choices would enhance the lexical resource score.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The essay addresses the task by discussing the reasons for the trend of men becoming stay-at-home fathers and evaluating its implications for society. The main ideas are relevant and supported by examples, such as the changing job market for women and societal perceptions of gender roles. However, the development of ideas could be more thorough, particularly in the evaluation of negative implications, which is somewhat underexplored.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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