Some employers offer their employees subsidised membership of gyms and sports clubs, believing that this will make their staff healthier and thus more effective at work. Other employers see no benefit in doing so. Consider the arguments from both aspects of this possible debate, and reach a conclusion.

Part 2
5.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

Some of organizations are offering employees which is member ofmemberships to gyms and sports clubs, as they are beliefve that this can make their workers more healthier and, as a result, more effectualive at work. ButHowever, others employers don not see any beneficalt in doing this. I think that both sides hasve reasonable arguments. On the firstone hand, if a employers offer discounted memberships for gyms and sports clubs, their employees could have better inbecome fitter and healthy. Exercise regularier. Regular exercise is good for each pversyonse and helps thems not only physically but also mentally. When workers are healthier, they shouldtend to be more productive inat work. Alsodditionally, peoples who doparticipate ing sports or exercise together can builds friendships and make afoster team spirit. This is good in, which is beneficial in the workplace. But o On the another hand, offering subsidised gym or sports club memberships has some problems too. First, not everypeoplone likes to go forto the gym or doparticipate ing sports. SoTherefore, if the company offers this benefit, maybeperhaps only a few peoples will usinge it. AlsoFurthermore, it can be expensive, and costs a lot from companies to providesing this type of benefits to employeres may cost companies a lot. Some employers may thingk that this money could spending for anbe better spent on other thing whichs that are more useful, for examplesuch as training or bonuse. s. In conclusion, while offering discounted gym and sports club memberships can make employees more healthyier and emore effective, but it also has disadvantages, such as cost and the fact that not everyone will be use it. I beliefve that companies should look atassess their specific situation and employees' needs before decideing whether to offer this tiype of benefit or not.
DeletedOriginal textAddedCorrected text

Expert Feedback

The essay presents a balanced view on the topic of subsidised gym memberships, addressing both sides of the argument effectively. Key strengths include the clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, as well as the inclusion of relevant points regarding health and productivity. However, critical areas for improvement include grammatical accuracy, vocabulary usage, and coherence. The original essay contained numerous grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that disrupted the flow of ideas. The revised version corrects these issues, ensuring subject-verb agreement and proper word forms. Additionally, the use of cohesive devices has been improved to enhance the logical progression of ideas. The structural changes made include correcting awkward phrases and ensuring that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence. Transition phrases have been adjusted for clarity and coherence. For further improvements, the writer could provide specific examples to support their arguments and strengthen the conclusion by summarising the key points more definitively. Additionally, expanding the range of vocabulary and varying sentence structures would enhance the overall quality of the essay. The tone used in the essay is appropriate for an academic context, maintaining a formal and objective stance throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the flow of ideas is occasionally disrupted by awkward phrasing and unclear transitions. For example, phrases like 'on the another hand' should be corrected to 'on the other hand.' Improving the use of cohesive devices and ensuring logical progression between ideas would enhance coherence.
5.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains numerous grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues ('a employers' should be 'an employer'), incorrect verb forms ('doing sports' should be 'doing sport'), and awkward sentence structures. While some sentences are clear, the frequency of errors affects overall clarity. To improve, the writer should focus on grammatical accuracy and vary sentence structures.
4.5
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several instances of incorrect word forms and spelling errors, such as 'benefical,' 'helthier,' and 'everypeople.' Additionally, the use of phrases like 'doing sport' could be improved to 'participating in sports.' Expanding the range of vocabulary and ensuring correct usage would strengthen this aspect.
5.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task by presenting arguments from both sides regarding subsidised gym memberships. However, the development of ideas is somewhat limited, and the conclusion lacks a strong, clear position. To improve, the writer could provide more specific examples and a more definitive conclusion that summarizes the arguments more effectively.
5.5

Related Writing Samples

Part 2
5.0

Many people believe that social networking sites (such as Facebook) have had a huge negative impact on individuals and society. To what extent do you agree?

Part 2
6.5

Whether or not someone achieves their aims is mostly a question of luck. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Part 2
8.0

We have become a disposable society, preferring to buy new products rather than fixing existing items. What are the causes of this trend and what are the possible solutions?

Part 2
5.5

The tendency that news reports in media focus on problems and emergencies rather than on positive developments is harmful for individuals and the society. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Part 2
7.0

Today single-use products are still very common. Why is this? What are the problems associated with this?

Part 2
6.5

In the future, more people will choose to go on holiday in their own country and not travel abroad on holiday. Do you agree or disagree?