Some people argue that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others believe that there are more effective ways to achieve this. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Part 2
6.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

There are divided opinions on the most effective way to improve the health onf the publics in around the world. Some people propose that increasing the sports facilities is the most productive way to improve the health of the people, while others think another method isenhance people's health, while others believe that alternative methods may be more successful than this. In this essay, I will analyze both sides of the arguments and would include my personal view inat the end. On the On one sidehand, providing more sports facilities will make people easily to do someit easier for people to engage in physical exercises. BecausSince sports isare an effective way for people to keepindividuals to maintain their healthy, it is a good way to building more facilities to push people to do more sportcan encourage greater participation in physical activities. For example, if there are more football fields in the city, the people will play football more frequently and will be morconsequently become healthyier than before. On the other hand, however, there are another ways andlternative methods that may be more bettereven more effective. Improving public health requires not only increasingthe expansion of sports facilities but also enhancements in other wayareas. For example,instance, the government should puinvest more effeort oin builddeveloping the publics transport system to encourage people to less use private car while go out, which is an effective solution tos less frequently. This approach can effectively reduce theair pollution, leading the air and people's health will be improved by the fresher air. What is more, the awareness of people for health themselves is important too also. o improved health outcomes due to cleaner air. Furthermore, raising awareness about personal health is also crucial. In conclusion, while I agree that increasing the number of sports facilities is one of the way to improve public health, I believe that there are more effective ways like tostrategies, such as developing public transport and raisenhancing people's consciousawareness of health issues.
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Expert Feedback

The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the task by discussing both views on improving public health and presenting a personal opinion. Key strengths include a logical structure with distinct paragraphs and a relevant topic. However, critical areas for improvement include the need for clearer examples and more sophisticated vocabulary. The introduction has been refined to better state the topic, and transitions between ideas have been improved for better coherence. Additionally, grammatical errors have been corrected, enhancing overall accuracy. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include incorporating more advanced vocabulary and idiomatic expressions, as well as providing more detailed examples to support the arguments. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and objective stance throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with clear paragraphs, but the flow of ideas could be improved. Some sentences are awkwardly constructed, which affects the overall coherence. For example, the phrase 'make people easily to do some exercises' is unclear. Using more cohesive devices, such as 'furthermore' or 'in addition,' could enhance the connection between ideas.
6.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains several grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement ('the people will play football more frequently and will be more healthy than before') and incorrect article usage ('the health on the publics'). There are also awkward constructions that hinder clarity. While there is some range in sentence structures, the errors detract from the overall accuracy. To improve, the writer should focus on proofreading for grammatical mistakes and varying sentence structures.
5.5
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are instances of repetition and awkward phrasing, such as 'the health on the publics' and 'more better.' There is an attempt to use varied vocabulary, but it lacks sophistication. To improve, the writer could incorporate more advanced vocabulary and idiomatic expressions, such as 'promote physical activity' instead of 'do more sports.'
6.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task by discussing both views on improving public health and presents a personal opinion. However, the arguments could be more fully developed with clearer examples and explanations. For instance, the mention of public transport as a solution could be elaborated further to strengthen the argument. Additionally, the introduction could be clearer in stating the topic.
6.0

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