Some people argue that the government should give every unemployed person a mobile phone and should make sure they have access to the Internet. They believe this is the best way of using public money to reduce the problem of unemployment. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Part 2
6.5

Sample Essay with Corrections

In this essay, I am going to discuss about the opinion that the government should provide mobile phones and internet access for unemployed peoples to help them find jobs. I partially agree with this idea because it has both advantages and disadvantages. On the one hand, provideing mobile phones and internet access can be helpful for job seekers. In today's world, most of the job postings are online, and many companies communicate through email or messaging apps. Without access to theseis technology, it can be very difficult to find and apply for jobs. Additionally, having a phone number is often required for job applications and interviews. By giveing unemployed persons these tools, the government can level the playing field and give them a better chance at finding employment. On the other hand, simply providing phones and internet may not be enough to solve the unemployment. There are many other factors that contribute to joblessness, such as a lack of skills, education, or experience. Just because someone haves a phone and internet does not mean they will automatically be able to find work. In additionFurthermore, there is a risk that some people may abuse this program and use the free phone and internet for personal reasons instead of job searching. This could be a waste of taxpayer money. In conclusion, I believe that while giveing unemployed people access to mobile phones and the internet can be helpful, it is not a complete solution to the problem of unemployment. GThe government should also invest in job training, education, and other programs to address the root causes of joblessness. Only by taking a comprehensive approach we can we truly reduceing unemployment in the long term.
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Expert Feedback

The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of providing mobile phones and internet access to unemployed individuals. Key strengths include a clear position and relevant examples. However, critical areas for improvement include the need for more thorough development of ideas and a more assertive conclusion. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving transitions, and enhancing coherence by using more varied linking phrases. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include incorporating specific examples or statistics to support points and expanding the range of vocabulary. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and objective stance throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay is generally coherent, with a logical flow of ideas. However, there are some awkward transitions and a lack of cohesive devices in places, which can disrupt the flow. For instance, the phrase 'On the one hand' could be better linked to the subsequent argument. To enhance coherence, the writer could use more varied linking words and phrases to connect ideas more smoothly.
6.5
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, but there are several grammatical errors, such as 'give unemployed person' (should be 'giving unemployed persons') and 'reducing unemployment' (spelling error). While the meaning is generally clear, these errors detract from the overall accuracy. To improve, the writer should focus on proofreading for grammatical mistakes and aim to use more complex sentence structures.
6.0
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are instances of repetition and some misused words, such as 'provideing' (providing) and 'thrugh' (through). The phrase 'level the playing field' is a good example of idiomatic expression, but the overall range of vocabulary could be expanded. To improve, the writer should aim to use a wider variety of vocabulary and check for spelling errors.
6.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of providing mobile phones and internet access to unemployed individuals. The position is clear, and relevant examples are provided. However, the development of ideas could be more thorough, and the conclusion could be more assertive in summarizing the argument. To improve, the writer could include more specific examples or statistics to support their points.
7.0

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