Some people believe that children should be banned from using their phones during the school day. Others believe that children should be allowed to use their phones. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Part 2
6.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

In today's world, many children have their own smartphones. Some people think that phones should not be allowed to be used by children at school during the daytime. Others argue that they should be allowpermitted. I will exiamine both points and provide my opinion. On the one sideone hand, there are someeveral good reasons for not allowing children to use phones during school dayhours. Firstly, phones can be biga significant distraction. Instead of listen toing to the teacher and studying, children may play games or send text messages withto friends. This harms theire education. In addition, if children look at phone screens too much, it can hurt their eyes and make bad fonegatively impact their health. On the other hand, having phones at school haves some benefits too. In case of an emergency like, such as a fire or crime, children can quickly call for help if they have a phone with them. AlsoFurthermore, they can callontact their parents if need getthey need to be picked up early or if something happens. Sometimes, phone iss can be useful for study, likeing, such as looking up information inon the internet for a project. In my opinion, I believe a balanced approach is best. Childrens should be allowed to bring phones to school, but only to use them during break times and lunch, not during lessons. Teachers can collects phones at the start of class to avoid the distractions. This letallows childrens to have their phones if really needed, but helps them focus on their studyies during most of the day. In conclusion, while phones can cause problems in school if use too muchd excessively, banning them completely has negatives too. I believe allowing limited use of phones is the ideal solution. Schools should makeestablish clear rules about this and enforce them properly.
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Expert Feedback

The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the task by discussing both views on the use of phones in schools and providing a personal opinion. Key strengths include a logical structure with distinct paragraphs and a relevant conclusion. However, critical areas for improvement include the need for more specific examples and a deeper exploration of arguments, particularly regarding the educational benefits of phones. The use of cohesive devices was enhanced, but further transitions could improve the flow of ideas. Grammatical accuracy was addressed, correcting subject-verb agreement and awkward constructions. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented include incorporating a wider range of vocabulary and idiomatic expressions to elevate the language further. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and objective stance throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with clear paragraphs, but the flow of ideas could be enhanced. Some transitions between points are abrupt, and the use of cohesive devices is limited. For example, using phrases like 'on the contrary' or 'furthermore' could improve the connection between ideas. Additionally, the introduction could better outline the structure of the essay.
6.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains several grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement issues ('children should be allow'), incorrect verb forms ('not allow children use'), and awkward constructions ('this let childrens have phone'). While the meaning is generally clear, these errors detract from the overall quality. To improve, the writer should focus on proofreading for grammatical accuracy and varying sentence structures.
5.5
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are instances of repetition and inaccuracies, such as 'phone' instead of 'phones' and 'allow' instead of 'allowed.' The use of phrases like 'big distraction' and 'useful for study' is effective, but incorporating a wider range of vocabulary and idiomatic expressions would enhance the overall quality. For example, using 'significant distraction' or 'educational tool' could elevate the language.
6.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task by discussing both views on the use of phones in schools and provides a clear opinion. However, the development of ideas could be improved with more specific examples and a deeper exploration of the arguments. For instance, elaborating on how phones can aid in learning or providing statistics on distractions could strengthen the argument.
6.5

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