Some people believe that it is a good idea that older people continue to work if it is possible for them to do so. Do you agree or disagree?

Part 2
6.5

Sample Essay with Corrections

In my oppinion, I agree that older people should continue to work if possible. There are several reasons for thatis that iI will explain in my essay. Firstly, working keeps older people akctive and healthy. If they stop to working, they might become bored and lonely at home. They mightay not have much to do, and their health might detereiorate. ButHowever, if they continue working, they stay active and have a sense of purpose. They can socialize with colleagues and feel like they are contributing to society. Secondly, older people have a lotpossess a wealth of experience and knowledge that can be invaluable for companies. They haveHaving worked for many years and, they have learned a lotgreat deal. They can share their experienceinsights with younger colleagues and help them to improve. Companies can benefit a lotsignificantly from the knowledgexpertise of older workers. However, it is important to consider that some older poeople might not be able to work anymore. They mightay have health problems or might befeel too tired. In these cases, it is better for them to retire and enjoy their free time. They should not be forced to work if they cannot do itso anymore. In conclusion, I believe that it is goodbeneficial for older people to continue working if they are able to do so. It keeps them active and healthy and allows them to share their valuable experience. However, they should not be forccompelled to work if they cannot do itso due to health reasons or other issues.
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Expert Feedback

The essay presents a clear argument in favour of older people continuing to work, supported by relevant reasons. Key strengths include a logical structure and a clear position on the topic. However, critical areas for improvement include enhancing the introduction to be more engaging, improving transitions between points, and addressing spelling and grammatical errors. Structural changes made include correcting spelling mistakes, refining sentence structures for clarity, and adding transitional phrases to improve coherence. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented include incorporating specific examples or statistics to strengthen arguments and varying vocabulary to avoid repetition. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and respectful approach throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay is generally coherent, with a logical flow of ideas. However, some transitions between points could be smoother. For instance, using cohesive devices like 'Moreover' or 'In addition' could enhance the connection between the first and second points. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main ideas but could be more concise.
6.5
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay demonstrates a basic range of grammatical structures, but there are several grammatical errors and awkward constructions (e.g., 'stop to work' should be 'stop working'). These errors affect clarity and accuracy. More complex sentence structures could be employed to demonstrate a higher level of grammatical range.
6.0
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are some repetitive words such as 'work' and 'old/older people.' More varied vocabulary could enhance the essay. Additionally, there are some spelling errors (e.g., 'opinion,' 'possible,' 'active,' 'deteriorate,' 'people') that detract from the overall quality.
6.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the prompt by presenting a clear position in favor of older people continuing to work, supported by relevant reasons and examples. However, the introduction could be more engaging, and the argument could be further developed with more specific examples or statistics to strengthen the points made.
7.0

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