Some people believe that online gaming is beneficial for children and should be encouraged, while others argue that it can have negative effects on their development. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the topic and effectively discusses both sides of the argument regarding online gaming for children. Key strengths of the essay include a well-structured format with distinct paragraphs for each viewpoint and a clear conclusion that summarizes the main points. The use of relevant examples, such as Minecraft, adds depth to the discussion. Critical areas for improvement include grammatical accuracy, particularly with plural forms and subject-verb agreement. Additionally, the essay could benefit from more varied vocabulary to avoid repetition and enhance lexical resource. Transition phrases could also be improved to enhance coherence between ideas. Structural changes made include refining the introduction for conciseness, correcting grammatical errors, and improving transitions between paragraphs. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include incorporating specific statistics or studies to support arguments and varying sentence structures for greater complexity. The tone of the essay is appropriate for an academic context, maintaining a formal and objective stance throughout the discussion.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The essay is generally well-organized, with clear paragraphs for each viewpoint. However, some transitions between ideas could be smoother. For instance, using phrases like 'In addition' or 'Conversely' could enhance the flow. To improve coherence, the writer could ensure that each paragraph clearly links back to the main argument.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, but there are several errors, such as 'peoples' instead of 'people,' 'childs' instead of 'children,' and issues with subject-verb agreement (e.g., 'games like Minecraft allows' should be 'allow'). To improve, the writer should proofread for grammatical accuracy and aim for more complex sentence structures.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is appropriate for the topic, with some good examples like 'strategic thinking' and 'cyberbullying.' However, there are some repetitive phrases, such as 'online gaming' and 'children,' which could be varied. To enhance lexical resource, the writer could incorporate synonyms or more sophisticated vocabulary.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The essay addresses the task by discussing both views on online gaming and providing a personal opinion. However, the introduction could be more concise, and the conclusion could better summarize the key points made in the essay. To improve, the writer could include more specific examples or statistics to support their arguments.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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