Some people believe that too many resources and attention are devoted to the protection of wild animals and birds. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Part 1 (Academic)
7.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

In today's world, there is biga significant discussion about how much money and effort we should spend on protecting wildlife. While some people think we use too muchany resources for this, I strongly disagree with this opinion because animals are very important for our planet's future. First of all, I think that wild animals and birds are playing a crucial role in nature's balance. When I was studying in school, I learned that every animal has its special job in the ecosystem. For example, birds are eatingeat insects that can damage plants, and biglarge animals like wolves are controlling the population of smaller animals. If we don't protect these animals and they disappear, it will makcreate many problems for nature and also for humans. Another point I want to talk aboutdiscuss is that we have a responsibility to protect these creatures. In my opinion, humans have made many bad thingcaused many detrimental effects to nature over manythe years, like cutting forests and makingsuch as deforestation and pollution. Because we causreated these problems, now we must now help the animals who are suffering becauseas a result of our actions. It is not fair to say we spend too muchany resources when we created this situation in the first place. Furthermore, protecting wildlife is also goodbeneficial for our economy. In my experience, many people like toenjoy visiting natural parks and watchobserving animals in their natural place. This makes lots of moneyhabitats. This generates significant revenue from tourism and creates jobs for local peoplecommunities. For example, in my country, we have a special area where rare birds live, and many tourists come there every year to see them. This showdemonstrates that the money we spend on protecting animals can actually help our economy too.as well. In conclusion, I completely disagree that we spend too many resources on protecting wild animals and birds. I believe that these animals are very importantital for nature's balance, and we have a duty to protect them because of the damage we have caused. Alsodditionally, protecting them can bring good thingyield positive outcomes for our economy. If we don't help them now, we might lose them forever, and that would be very baddetrimental for everyone.
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Expert Feedback

The essay effectively addresses the prompt, presenting a clear position against the notion that too many resources are devoted to wildlife protection. Key strengths include relevant and well-developed arguments regarding ecological balance, human responsibility, and economic benefits. However, critical areas for improvement include the need for more specific examples or data to strengthen the arguments further, as well as enhancing the variety of cohesive devices for smoother transitions between points. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving vocabulary variety, and refining the flow of ideas. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include incorporating more varied vocabulary and idiomatic expressions to enhance the richness of the language. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and persuasive style throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay is generally coherent, with a logical progression of ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a specific point, and there are some cohesive devices used to link ideas. However, the transitions between some points could be smoother, and the overall flow could be enhanced by using a wider variety of cohesive devices.
7.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, but there are several grammatical errors and awkward constructions, such as 'we use too much resources' (should be 'too many resources') and 'in first place' (should be 'in the first place'). While these errors do not significantly impede understanding, they do detract from the overall accuracy and sophistication of the writing.
6.5
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is appropriate for the topic, with some effective phrases such as 'nature's balance' and 'responsibility to protect.' However, there are instances of repetition, such as the use of 'protect' and 'resources.' To improve, the writer could incorporate more varied vocabulary and idiomatic expressions to enhance the richness of the language.
7.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the prompt effectively, presenting a clear position against the idea that too many resources are devoted to wildlife protection. The arguments are relevant and well-developed, particularly the points about ecological balance, human responsibility, and economic benefits. However, the essay could be improved by providing more specific examples or data to strengthen the arguments further.
7.5

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