Some people believe that your personal information such as your name and address should be kept private and not shared online. Others think this is not necessary. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Part 1 (Academic)
5.5

Sample Essay with Corrections

In my point of view, personal informations such likeas name or address should be keepedpt as a secret and donot share ind online. There are several reasons why I am agree with this view, and I will explain it in nextthem in the following paragraphs. Firstly, if someone knows your name and address, they can makcreate problems for you. For example, they can send you spam emails or mailletters, or even they can come to your home and do something badharmful. In fact, I read in a newspaper that one womean shared her address ion Facebook, and after that one, a stranger man came to her house and tryied to enter. She was very scared. SoTherefore, it is not safe to let everyone know your home. address. Secondly, some bad people inmalicious individuals on the internet can use your informations to steal your identity. ItThis means they will pretend they aro be you and maybe open bank accounts or buy thingmake purchases in your name. This type of crime is happening a lot these days because many people puost all their informations online without thinking aboutconsidering the dangers. If someone has your personal details, it is very easy for them to act likimpersonate you. SoThus, we must be very carefull and not trust anyone online. In conclusion, I strongly believe we should keep our personal informations, like name and address, completely private and never share it ion the internet with others we don not know. This will help us stay safe and avoid many problems fromcaused by dangerous peopleindividuals. We should be very carefullutious about everything we post online.
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Expert Feedback

The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the task and presents a coherent argument regarding the importance of keeping personal information private. Key strengths of the essay include a clear opinion and relevant examples that support the main argument. The structure is logical, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Critical areas for improvement include enhancing the variety of vocabulary and correcting grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement and incorrect verb forms. The use of cohesive devices could also be improved to create smoother transitions between ideas. Structural changes made include correcting spelling errors, improving grammatical accuracy, and enhancing the flow of ideas with better transitions. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include providing a brief mention of opposing views regarding the sharing of personal information and incorporating a wider range of vocabulary to enrich the essay. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and persuasive style throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and transitions between ideas could be smoother. For example, phrases like 'Firstly' and 'Secondly' are used, but more varied linking words could enhance the flow. Improving the use of cohesive devices would strengthen coherence.
5.5
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains several grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues ('someone know' should be 'someone knows') and incorrect verb forms ('try' should be 'tried'). While the writer demonstrates some range in sentence structures, the errors detract from overall clarity. To improve, the writer should focus on proofreading for grammatical accuracy and varying sentence structures.
5.0
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several instances of incorrect word forms and spelling errors, such as 'informations,' 'keeped,' and 'carefull.' Additionally, the phrase 'make problems for you' could be expressed more formally. To improve, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary and ensuring correct spelling and word forms.
5.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task by discussing both views on the privacy of personal information and provides a clear opinion. However, the argument could be more developed with additional examples and a more balanced discussion of the opposing view. For improvement, the writer could include reasons why some people believe sharing personal information is acceptable.
6.0

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