Some people feel that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians or sports stars are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of job should be highly paid?

Part 2
6.5

Sample Essay with Corrections

I am agree that entertainers like movie celebrities, pop stars, and sports players get too much money for their work. In my opinion, they should not be getpaid so much more money than other important jobs in society. I will explain my reasons in this essay. Firstly, while entertainers bring joy and happyiness to many people's lifves, their work is not as important as other jobs. For example, doctors and nurses save lifves every day, but they earn much less money than famous actors or singers. This is not fair, because saving a life is much more important than entertaining someone for a few hours. Similarly, teachers have a bsignificant impact on children's futures, but they also earn much less than sports stars. Secondly, entertainers often get paid millions of dollars for just one movie or one concert. This is a huge amount of money for just a few weeks or months of work. In contrast, most people have to work hard for many years to earn even a small fraction of what these celebrities make. This creates a bsignificant gap between the rich and poor in society, which can lead to social problems. In my opinion, other jobs that should be highly paid include doctors, nurses, teachers, and scientists. These jobs require a lot of education and training, and they make a big difference in people's lifves. For example, doctors and nurses help people when they are sick or injured, while teachers help children learn and grow. Scientists also do important work that can lead to new discoveries and inventions that benefit everyone. In conclusion, while I enjoy watching movies and listening to music, I do not think that entertainers should be paid so much more than other important jobs in society. Doctors, nurses, teachers, and scientists deserve to be highly paid for their valuable work.
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Expert Feedback

The essay effectively addresses the prompt by clearly stating a position against the high salaries of entertainers and suggesting other professions that should be highly paid. Key strengths include a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, as well as logical sequencing of ideas. However, critical areas for improvement include grammatical accuracy, as several errors were present, and the need for a wider range of vocabulary to avoid repetition. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving word choices, and enhancing transitions between ideas. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include providing more specific examples and a deeper exploration of the societal implications of salary disparities. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and objective stance throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay is generally well-organized, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Ideas are logically sequenced, and cohesive devices are used appropriately. However, transitions between some ideas could be smoother. For example, using phrases like 'On the other hand' or 'In addition' could enhance the flow between contrasting points.
7.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay demonstrates a basic range of grammatical structures, but there are several grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement ('I am agree'), incorrect verb forms ('should not be get'), and spelling mistakes ('happyness', 'lifes'). While the meaning is generally clear, these errors detract from the overall quality. Focusing on grammatical accuracy and varied sentence structures would enhance the writing.
6.0
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are instances of repetition (e.g., 'important jobs' and 'highly paid'). Additionally, some word choices are incorrect, such as 'I am agree' instead of 'I agree' and 'get to much money' instead of 'get too much money.' To improve, the writer could incorporate a wider range of vocabulary and idiomatic expressions.
6.5
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the prompt by clearly stating a position against the high salaries of entertainers and suggesting other professions that should be highly paid. However, it could benefit from more specific examples and a deeper exploration of the implications of salary disparities. For instance, discussing the societal impact of underpaying essential workers could strengthen the argument.
7.0

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