Some people feel that the private lives of celebrities should not be openly shared by the media. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Part 1 (Academic)
6.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

'I strongly agree that there should be some level of separation between celebrities' private lives and the media. There are many things that goes into this argument, and both sides must be considered. Firstly, everyone should have a human right to privacy. What happens in a person"s personal life not should not be open for public gossip and discussion. It can be very stressful and anxiety-producing ofor famous people to have theyir every move watched and analyzsed by strangers. Living under constant scrutiny like this can lead to mental health problems and burnout. Additionally, in many cases, the details that gets shared about celebrities are not even important or relevant to the public. While it makes sense for their professional work to be published and discussed, their personal struggles and relationships isare not fair game. Many times, the media will share personal informations just to create drama or sensationalism, rather than to inform the people. On the other hand, it can be argued that being a celebrity comes with some level of giving up privacy. When people choose to enter a profession that puts them in the public eye, they are kind of signing up for more attention and interest in theyir lives. People who consume celebrities' work may feel that they have a right to know more about the person behind the art. In conclusion, while I can see both perspectives, I tend to side more with celebrities' right to keep aspects of their lives private if they wants to. The media needs to haveshow more respect and not overstep boundaries just for the sake of a juicy story. Celebrities are still human beings who deserve to have a separation between theyir public image and personal lives.'
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Expert Feedback

The essay presents a clear opinion on the issue of celebrity privacy, which is a key strength. It has a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, critical areas for improvement include the depth of argumentation and the use of cohesive devices to enhance the flow of ideas. The structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving subject-verb agreement, and enhancing clarity with better vocabulary choices. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include providing specific examples or evidence to support the arguments and varying sentence structures to demonstrate a wider range of grammatical competence. The tone used is appropriate for an argumentative essay, maintaining a formal and respectful approach throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the flow of ideas could be improved with better use of cohesive devices. For instance, transitions between points could be smoother, and the use of linking words could enhance clarity. Phrases like 'on the other hand' could be used more effectively to contrast ideas.
6.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains several grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues ('thing that goes' should be 'things that go') and incorrect word forms ('they' instead of 'their'). These errors affect the overall clarity of the writing. To improve, the writer should focus on proofreading for grammatical accuracy and varying sentence structures to demonstrate a wider range of grammatical competence.
5.5
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are instances of repetition and awkward phrasing, such as 'the media needs to have more respect' and 'they lives.' The writer could benefit from using a wider range of vocabulary and more precise language. For example, instead of 'informations,' the correct term 'information' should be used.
6.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the prompt by presenting a clear opinion on the issue of celebrity privacy. However, it lacks depth in exploring both sides of the argument, which is necessary for a higher score. To improve, the writer could provide more examples or evidence to support their points, particularly regarding the impact of media intrusion on celebrities' lives.
6.5

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