Some people say that it is not possible to be happy without money while others think that money doesn't guarantee happiness. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Part 2
6.5

Sample Essay with Corrections

Some people believe that money is needed for happiness, while others think it does not guarantee happiness. I agree with the leatter view, and I will explain why in this essay. First, I believe that money is not a necessity for happiness. There are many poor people in the world who isare very happy despite their lack of financial resources. They find joy in simple things like being with family and friends, or pursuing their passions and hobbyies. For example, I know a man who lives in a small village and has very little money, but he is always smiling and laughing because he loves to play music and spend time with his community. This shows that happiness can come from within, regardless of external circumstances like money. On the other hand, there is also evidence that money does not always bring happiness. Many rich people are unhappy despite their wealth. They may have all the material possessions they could want, but they still feel empty or unsatisfied. This is because money cannot buy the things that truly matter in life, like love, friendship, and a sense of purpose. In fact, the pursuit of money can sometimes lead to stress, anxiety, and even depression. Therefore, it is clear that wealth does not equate to happiness. Of course, it is important to have enough money to meet basic needs like food, shelter, and healthcare. ButHowever, beyond a certain point, I believe that more money does not necessarily translate into more happiness. What matters most is how we spend our time and who we spend it with. In conclusion, while money can certainly make life easier in many ways, I do not think it is essential for happiness. True happiness comes from within, and from the relationships and experiences that give our lives meaning. So rather than chasing after wealth, we should focus on cultivating the things that truly bring us joy and fulfillment.
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Expert Feedback

The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both views on the relationship between money and happiness, presenting a clear position that aligns with the second view. Key strengths include a logical progression of ideas and relevant examples that support the argument. However, critical areas for improvement include grammatical accuracy, as there are several subject-verb agreement issues and misused words. The use of cohesive devices could also be enhanced to improve the flow between points. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving vocabulary, and adding clearer transitions between paragraphs. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include incorporating more specific examples and a wider range of vocabulary to convey ideas more effectively. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and analytical style throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay is generally coherent, with a logical progression of ideas. However, some transitions between points could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing poor people's happiness to the evidence of rich people's unhappiness could benefit from clearer linking phrases. Additionally, the use of cohesive devices could be more varied to enhance the flow of the essay.
6.5
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains several grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement issues ('who is very happy', 'who live'), incorrect verb forms ('doesnot', 'show'), and punctuation mistakes. While the overall meaning is clear, these errors detract from the overall quality of the writing. Improving grammatical accuracy and using a wider range of sentence structures would enhance the score.
5.5
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are instances of repetition (e.g., 'happiness', 'money') and some misused words (e.g., 'need' instead of 'needed', 'posessions' instead of 'possessions'). The essay would benefit from a wider range of vocabulary and more sophisticated expressions to convey ideas more effectively.
6.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both views on the relationship between money and happiness. The writer presents a clear position that aligns with the second view, supported by relevant examples. However, the development of ideas could be enhanced with more specific examples and a deeper exploration of the arguments presented.
7.0

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