Some people say that the main aim of advertising is to improve sales of products that people do not really need. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The essay effectively addresses the prompt, presenting a clear position that acknowledges both sides of the argument. Key strengths include a logical flow of ideas and a balanced perspective on the role of advertising. However, critical areas for improvement include grammatical accuracy, particularly with verb forms and pluralization, as well as the need for more varied vocabulary to avoid repetition. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors and enhancing transitions between paragraphs for better coherence. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include providing more specific examples and a deeper exploration of the implications of advertising on consumer behavior. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and analytical style throughout.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The essay is generally coherent, with a logical flow of ideas. The use of cohesive devices is present, but there are moments where transitions could be smoother. For instance, the phrase 'on the one hand' is used effectively, but the transition to 'on the other hand' could be more clearly defined to enhance the overall flow.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, but there are several grammatical errors, such as 'has becoming' instead of 'has become' and 'lifes' instead of 'lives.' These errors affect clarity and accuracy. More complex sentence structures could also be employed to enhance the sophistication of the writing.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is appropriate and conveys the intended meaning. However, there are some repetitive phrases, such as 'advertising' and 'products,' which could be varied to demonstrate a wider lexical range. Additionally, minor errors like 'peoples' instead of 'people' and 'I am agree' instead of 'I agree' detract from the overall quality.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The essay addresses the prompt effectively, presenting a clear position that acknowledges both sides of the argument. The writer agrees to a certain extent, which is well articulated. However, the development of ideas could be enhanced with more specific examples and a deeper exploration of the implications of advertising on consumer behavior.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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