Some people say that to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus more on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Part 2
5.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

In present days, many thinking that forto stop sickness and badimprove health, the government must putay more attentions more to make pollution of to reducing enviruonment less and also to fixal pollution and addressing houseing issues. I am agree with this idea into some wayextent, and I will explaining why. One thing Firstly, pollution from the enviruonment can causing a lot of bad to health of humans. Like air that is dirty can make lungs not working good and people gete significant harm to human health. For instance, dirty air can impair lung function, leading to breathing problems. Alsodditionally, water pollution means that people are drinking dirty water and becoming sick in stomach andcontaminated water, which can result in stomach illnesses and affect other organs. SoTherefore, it hais importeant for the government to puts effort into reduceing this pollution. If can makBy improving air and water more cleanquality, the health of people will be much better. Othe population will be greatly enhanced. Another reason I am agree iswith this perspective is related to houseing problems. If people livinge in houses that is not build in good way or is old and brokenare poorly constructed or old and dilapidated, it can also can makingmake them sick. LikeFor example, if walls have holes, then cold windair can comenter, causing inreside and person getting sick from cold. Ornts to become ill from exposure to cold. Furthermore, if a house haves mould inside the walls, it is bad for breathing and health. Socan negatively impact breathing and overall health. Thus, the government must helping to fix thisassist in fixing these houses or makconstructing new ones that build in better way. This will helping people not to be sick from house issues.are built to higher standards. This will help prevent health issues related to inadequate housing. In concludesion, I believe that the government should focus on reducing pollution and addressing houseing problems for make lessto decrease sickness and keep people inpromote good health. If can fix this issues, it will have bigthese issues can be resolved, there will be a significant impeact on the health of citizens. Of course, the government must still put money in other things likealso allocate funds to other areas, such as hospitals and doctor toos, but pollution and house is very importent to look at for stoping are crucial factors to consider in preventing illness in the first place.
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Expert Feedback

The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the task by discussing the importance of reducing environmental pollution and addressing housing issues in relation to health. Key strengths include a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, as well as a relevant topic. However, critical areas for improvement include the need for more specific examples and a clearer, more nuanced argument. The structural changes made include replacing informal phrases with more formal transitions, such as 'Firstly' and 'Furthermore,' to enhance coherence. Additionally, spelling errors were corrected, and grammatical structures were improved for clarity. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include incorporating more specific data or examples to strengthen the argument and varying sentence structures to demonstrate a wider range of grammatical competence. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and objective style throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the flow of ideas is sometimes disrupted by awkward phrasing and unclear transitions. For instance, phrases like 'One thing' and 'Other reason' are informal and do not effectively link the ideas. To improve coherence, the author could use more formal linking words and phrases, such as 'Firstly' and 'Furthermore,' to enhance the logical progression of ideas.
5.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains numerous grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues (e.g., 'goverment must put attentions'), incorrect verb forms (e.g., 'can causing'), and awkward sentence structures. While the meaning is generally clear, these errors hinder the overall effectiveness of the writing. To improve, the author should focus on using correct grammatical structures and varying sentence types to demonstrate a wider range of grammatical competence.
4.5
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used in the essay is generally appropriate, but there are several spelling errors (e.g., 'goverment,' 'envirunment,' 'importent') that detract from the overall quality. Additionally, the use of phrases like 'making air and water more clean' could be improved to 'improving air and water quality.' To achieve a higher score, the author should aim for a wider range of vocabulary and ensure accuracy in spelling and word choice.
5.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task by discussing the importance of reducing environmental pollution and housing problems in preventing illness. However, the argument lacks depth and development in some areas. For example, while the author mentions the effects of pollution and housing issues on health, more specific examples or data could strengthen the argument. Additionally, the position could be clearer and more nuanced, as it currently presents a somewhat simplistic view.
5.5

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