Some people think family has the most powerful influence on children's development. Others, however, believe that other things have greater effects. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Part 2
5.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

Family provides the most influenscing factor in the development of a child, some people think. InOn the other hand, others think that other things have more aeffect. It is commonly thought that famlily plays a big role in a child's growupth. Parents care for their child and spend a lot of time with child. Cthem. A child learns many thinkgs from their parents, likesuch as language, behaviour, and culture. Childrens are shaped by their parents and the family around them. Alsodditionally, family gives a child a sense of belonging, security, and love, which are the baseis for healthy emotional development. However, some personindividuals consider that other things are morefactors have a more significant impact on a child's development than family. For example, time spent with friends is important for building social skill building. alsos. Furthermore, school and educastion teach children many thing like math,s, such as mathematics and science. TVelevision, media, and entertainement also provide information and ideas to children, which affect how they think and act. Additionally, some research points out that genes and inherited intelligence can be more important factors than family upbringing in intellectual growth. In my opinion, i think theI believe that family is more significant. Although Tvtelevision, education, and genes aredo influence a child's development, family is with the child most consistencetly threwoughout life. Parentsal care is fundeamental and forms a crucial bond and trust for the child. With a strong faoundation of family love and support, other factors like school and friends can be benefits tocial for a child's develop. Butment. However, without family as a base, other things effect effects of other influences can be neglectful.
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Expert Feedback

The essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic and addresses both views regarding the influence of family and other factors on children's development. Key strengths include a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, as well as the inclusion of relevant points. However, critical areas for improvement include the need for more specific examples to support claims, clearer transitions between ideas, and a reduction in grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving coherence with clearer topic sentences, and enhancing transitions between paragraphs. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include providing specific studies or examples to strengthen arguments and expanding the range of vocabulary used. The tone of the essay is appropriate for an academic context, maintaining a formal and objective stance throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the flow of ideas is sometimes disrupted by awkward phrasing and unclear transitions. For instance, phrases like 'In other hand' and 'some persons consider' could be improved for clarity. Using more cohesive devices and clearer topic sentences would enhance coherence.
5.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains numerous grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues ('Family provide' should be 'Family provides'), incorrect verb forms ('affect' should be 'effects'), and awkward sentence structures. While the writer demonstrates some range in sentence structures, the frequent errors hinder clarity. To improve, the writer should focus on proofreading for grammatical accuracy and varying sentence structures.
4.5
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several spelling errors (e.g., 'influensing', 'develoment', 'famliy', 'educasion', 'entertanement') that detract from the overall quality. The writer does use some relevant terms related to the topic, but a wider range of vocabulary and more precise word choices would improve the score. For example, instead of 'big role', the writer could use 'significant role'.
5.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task by discussing both views on the influence of family and other factors on children's development. However, the arguments are somewhat underdeveloped and lack specific examples to support the claims. To improve, the writer could provide more detailed examples or studies that illustrate the points made, enhancing the overall argument.
5.0

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