Some people think technology development decreases crime, while others believe it actually encourages crime. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Part 2
6.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

Nowadays, technology development is very fast. Some people thinks that technology development can decreases crime, but other people believe that it is encourages crime. Both sides of this argument have their own opinions and reasons. I will discuss both views and give my own opinion. On one hand, technology development can decreases crime. For example, we now have many security cameras in public places like shopping malls, streets, and office buildings. Thisese cameras can record what happens in thatose areas all the time. If a crime happenoccurs, police can watch the video and find the criminal more easily. Alsodditionally, we have advanced locking systems for houses and cars, which make it more difficult for thiefves to break in. This technology helps to decreases crime. On the other hand, some people believe that technology development actually encourages crime. Criminals can use the internet to find information about how to make weapons or how to docommit crimes. They can also use the internet to communicate with each other secretly and plan crimes together. Moreover, hackers can use computer technology to steal money or personal information from banks or company websites. This kind of crime is hard to prevent because hackers can hide their identity onies on the internet. In my opinion, I think both sides have valid points. Technology development haves both positive and negative effects on crime. It can help to decreases some kinds of crime but also encourages other kinds of crime. In the end, I believe the government and law enforcement need to work together with technology experts to find ways to use technology to fight against crime more effectively. Only by doing this, we can we decreases the overall crime rate in society.
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Expert Feedback

The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the task by discussing both views on the impact of technology on crime and presenting a personal opinion. Key strengths include a logical structure with distinct paragraphs for each viewpoint and a conclusion that summarizes the author's stance. However, critical areas for improvement include grammatical accuracy, particularly with subject-verb agreement and verb forms, as well as the need for more varied vocabulary and cohesive devices to enhance the flow of ideas. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving vocabulary, and enhancing transitions between paragraphs. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include providing more specific examples of how technology can deter crime and using a wider range of sentence structures to demonstrate grammatical range. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and objective stance throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a logical structure, with clear paragraphs for each viewpoint and a conclusion. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and transitions between ideas could be smoother. For example, phrases like 'On one hand' and 'On the other hand' could be complemented with more varied linking words to enhance flow.
6.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains several grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues ('Some people thinks' should be 'Some people think') and incorrect verb forms ('can decreases' should be 'can decrease'). While the meaning is generally clear, these errors detract from the overall quality. Improving grammatical accuracy and using a wider range of sentence structures would enhance the score.
5.5
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are instances of repetition and inaccuracies, such as 'decreases' instead of 'decrease' and 'this camera' instead of 'these cameras.' More varied and sophisticated vocabulary could enhance the essay, such as using terms like 'surveillance technology' or 'cybercrime' to demonstrate a broader lexical range.
6.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task by discussing both views on the impact of technology on crime and presents a personal opinion. However, the development of ideas could be more thorough, with more specific examples and clearer reasoning. For instance, elaborating on how technology can deter crime beyond just security cameras would strengthen the argument.
6.5

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