Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your own opinions.

Part 2
5.5

Sample Essay with Corrections

Nowadays, many people have different opinions about ifwhether children should be encouraged to compete with each other or work together for a better future as adults. Competition can make children work hard, but cooperation also haves many advantages. In this essay, I will discuss both sides and give my opinion at the end. I On one hand, competition gives children motivation to do their best. When children know they need to be better thean others, they will put in more effort. For example, if a child wants to win in a sports competition, he will train very hard every day to be the best. AlsoFurthermore, when children always want to be number one, they will study harder thean other students just to get the best score in class. Hard work will help children be successful when they are adult. s. On the other hand, cooperation is also an important skill for children. In life and work, we often need help from other people and must work together. If children only learn about competition, they will not know whow to copoperate with others. For instantsce, to complete a difficult school project, children need to work in a team, and in a team, everyone haves to do their part. No one can do everything alone. SoTherefore, cooperation will make children understand how important teamwork is, and this will help them in their future career. s. In conclusion, I believe that children should learn about both competition and cooperation. Competition will make them work hard, but cooperation will teach them how to work with others. Both skills are needed to be a useful adults in the future. Parents and teachers should help children find a balance between competeing and copoperateing.
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Expert Feedback

The essay effectively addresses the task by discussing both competition and cooperation in children's development, and it presents a clear opinion in the conclusion. Key strengths include a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, as well as a relevant discussion of both sides of the argument. However, critical areas for improvement include the need for more thorough development of ideas, particularly regarding the benefits of cooperation, and the use of more specific examples to strengthen arguments. The flow of ideas could be enhanced with better transitions between sentences and paragraphs, and the essay contained several spelling and grammatical errors that detracted from its overall quality. Structural changes made include correcting spelling errors, improving grammatical accuracy, and enhancing coherence through the use of transition words like 'furthermore' and 'therefore'. For further improvements, the writer could elaborate on specific examples of cooperation in real-life situations and incorporate a wider range of vocabulary related to the topic. Additionally, varying sentence structures could enhance the overall readability of the essay. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and objective stance throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the flow of ideas could be improved with better transitions between sentences and paragraphs. For instance, using cohesive devices like 'furthermore' or 'in addition' could enhance the connection between ideas. Improving the logical sequencing of arguments would also contribute to better coherence.
5.5
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay demonstrates a basic range of grammatical structures, but there are several grammatical errors (e.g., subject-verb agreement, incorrect verb forms, and sentence fragments) that affect clarity. For example, 'cooperation also have many advantage' should be 'cooperation also has many advantages'. To improve, the writer should focus on using correct grammatical forms and varying sentence structures to enhance the overall accuracy and range.
5.0
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several spelling errors (e.g., 'nowdays', 'diferent', 'encourage', 'advantage', 'esay', 'succesful', 'instants', 'dificult', 'every one', 'evrything', 'copperate') that detract from the overall quality. The writer could benefit from using a wider range of vocabulary and ensuring accuracy in spelling. Incorporating more sophisticated terms related to competition and cooperation would enhance the lexical resource score.
5.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task by discussing both views on competition and cooperation in children, and it presents a clear opinion in the conclusion. However, the development of ideas could be more thorough, with more specific examples and a clearer structure. For improvement, the writer could elaborate on the benefits of cooperation and provide more detailed examples to strengthen their argument.
6.0

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