Some people think that charity organizations should only offer help to people of their own country. But others believe that these organizations should give aid to people in great need wherever they live. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Part 2
7.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

'In this day and age, many people are debate abouting whether charity organisations should focus their efforts on helping those in need within their own countries or extend their aid to people in other parts of the world. This is a complex issue with valid arguments on both sides. On the one hand, it could be argued that charities have a responsibility to prioritise the needs of their own citizens first and foremost. After all, there are often significant pockets of poverty and deprivation within even the most developed countries, and it is important that these issues are addressed before looking further afield. Furthermore, donors may feel more comfortsable giving to charities that operate within their own borders, as they can have greater confidence about how their money is being usinged and the positive impact it is createing. On the other hand, there is also a strong case for charities taking a more global perspekctives. In today'"s interconnected world, it is increasingly recognised that we have a shared responsibility to address issues such as poverty, disease, and hunger wherever they occur. Moreover, in many cases, the scale and severity of deprivation in developingg countries far exceeds that found in more affluent nations. By focusing their efforts on these areas, charities can arguee that they are targeting their resources where they will have the greatest impact and do the most good. In conclusions, while I believe that charities should not neglect the needs of their own countrypeople, I would argue that they also have a moral obligation to support those in other parts of the world who are suffering from extreme poverty and hardship. Ultimately, the measure of a society"s compassion and generosity is not just in how it treats its own citizens, but in its willingness to extaend a helping hand to those in other countries who are most in needful of support.'
DeletedOriginal textAddedCorrected text

Expert Feedback

The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both perspectives on the responsibilities of charity organisations. It presents a clear position in the conclusion, advocating for a balance between local and global aid. Key strengths of the essay include a well-structured argument and a clear understanding of the topic. The use of phrases like 'shared responsibility' and 'significant pockets of poverty' demonstrates a good grasp of relevant vocabulary. However, critical areas for improvement include grammatical accuracy, as several errors were present, such as 'it could be argue' and 'the positive impact it is create.' Additionally, the essay could benefit from more varied vocabulary to avoid repetition and enhance lexical resource. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors and improving transitions between paragraphs. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include incorporating specific examples or statistics to strengthen the arguments and varying the vocabulary further to enhance the overall quality. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and objective stance throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay is generally well-organized, with a logical flow of ideas. However, some transitions between points could be smoother. For instance, using more varied cohesive devices could improve the overall coherence. Phrases like 'On the one hand' and 'On the other hand' are effective, but additional linking words could enhance the flow.
7.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, but there are several grammatical errors, such as 'it could be argue' (should be 'argued') and 'the positive impact it is create' (should be 'it is creating'). These errors affect clarity and accuracy. More attention to grammatical accuracy and sentence structure would enhance the overall quality.
6.0
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is appropriate for the topic, with some sophisticated expressions such as 'shared responsibility' and 'significant pockets of poverty.' However, there are instances of repetition (e.g., 'charities' and 'needs') and some misused words (e.g., 'perspectives' instead of 'perspectives'). Expanding the range of vocabulary and avoiding repetition would improve this score.
6.5
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both views regarding charity organizations' responsibilities. It presents a clear position in the conclusion, advocating for a balance between helping local citizens and those in need globally. However, the development of ideas could be enhanced with more specific examples or statistics to strengthen the arguments.
7.5

Related Writing Samples

Part 2
5.0

Many people believe that social networking sites (such as Facebook) have had a huge negative impact on individuals and society. To what extent do you agree?

Part 2
6.5

Whether or not someone achieves their aims is mostly a question of luck. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Part 2
8.0

We have become a disposable society, preferring to buy new products rather than fixing existing items. What are the causes of this trend and what are the possible solutions?

Part 2
5.5

The tendency that news reports in media focus on problems and emergencies rather than on positive developments is harmful for individuals and the society. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Part 2
7.0

Today single-use products are still very common. Why is this? What are the problems associated with this?

Part 2
6.5

In the future, more people will choose to go on holiday in their own country and not travel abroad on holiday. Do you agree or disagree?