Some people think that dangerous sports should be banned. Do you agree or disagree?

Part 2
5.5

Sample Essay with Corrections

'Dear readers, today I would like to tellexpress my opinion on banning dangerous sports. There isare some people who think the government should ban dangerous sports in theire country. I am disagree wihth such people. Firstly and foremost, everyone havs the right to choose what they want to do in theire lifves. People can choose what food they want to eat or where they go. So, also they havwant to go. Therefore, they also have the rights to choose what sport they practice, be it dangerous or safe. There isFor example of, sports like mountain climbing and skydiving. They could can be very dangerous, but people who do them knowparticipate in them understand the risks and are agree to them. They don not need no anyone else to decide what they should do. Second reasonly, dangerous sports make a lot of money for many people and for countries economygenerate significant revenue for many individuals and for the economy of countries. Sports like F1 racing and MMA fighting make a huge revenue. So if you ban it, a lot ofcreate huge financial returns. If these sports were banned, many peoples willould loose theire jobs and sources of incomes. GThe government willould also loose money from taxes and growth of economy. So i thinkeconomic growth. Thus, I believe it is a very bad idea to ban dangerous sport because ofs due to these financeial implications. Of course, iI also acknowledge that there are reasons to supportarguments in favour of banning these dangerous sports. Peoples can have accidents doing this and that can burden hospitals and cost money. Some saywhile participating, which can burden hospitals and incur costs. Some argue that it sets a bad example tofor youth who will wantmay aspire to be like heroes in sports but getend up getting injured. ButHowever, in my oppinion, such reasons are not stronge enoughe. Because pPeoples can also have accidentis in even safe sports like playing badminton. AndMoreover, childrens will always have idols, no matter whatregardless of the sport. So iIn summary, iI strongly believe that dangerous sports should not be banned in any country. It is freedom choicea matter of individuall freedom of choice and also makeprovides economic benefits to many peoples.'
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Expert Feedback

The essay presents a clear position against banning dangerous sports and provides relevant arguments to support this stance. Key strengths include a logical structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, critical areas for improvement include the need for more thorough development of ideas, particularly with specific examples and statistics to strengthen arguments. Additionally, the use of cohesive devices and varied vocabulary should be enhanced to improve coherence and lexical resource. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving sentence structure, and enhancing clarity in phrasing. Transition words were added to improve the flow between ideas. For further improvements, the writer could incorporate specific statistics or case studies related to the economic impact of dangerous sports, as well as a wider range of vocabulary to avoid repetition. The tone used is appropriate for an opinion essay, maintaining a formal and persuasive style throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a logical structure, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances of awkward phrasing that disrupt the flow of ideas. For example, phrases like 'there is some people' and 'they dont need no one else' could be rephrased for clarity. Improving the use of linking words and phrases would enhance coherence.
5.5
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay demonstrates some grammatical range, but there are numerous errors in sentence structure, subject-verb agreement, and punctuation (e.g., 'every one have right', 'Goverment will also loose money'). These errors affect the overall clarity of the writing. To improve, the writer should focus on using correct grammatical forms and varying sentence structures to enhance accuracy.
5.0
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several spelling errors (e.g., 'dangeros', 'chose', 'acidents') and repetitive phrases (e.g., 'dangerous sport', 'people'). To improve, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary and ensure correct spelling. Incorporating synonyms and more sophisticated expressions would elevate the lexical resource score.
5.0
Task Achievement
The essay presents a clear position against banning dangerous sports and provides relevant arguments to support this stance. However, the development of ideas could be more thorough, and the examples provided could be more specific and detailed. For instance, elaborating on how dangerous sports contribute to the economy with specific statistics or case studies would strengthen the argument.
6.0

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