Some people think that sports should be included in the school curriculum while others think there should be academic training only. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Part 2
6.5

Sample Essay with Corrections

On the one hand, some believes sports should be part of school learning. They think that physical activity areis important for students' health and wellbeing. Sports can help students stay fit and develop important skills like teamwork, discipline, and leadership. For example, playing on a soccer team teaches kids how to work together towards a common goal and how to handle wins and losses gracefully. In additionMoreover, sports can be a fun and engaging way for students to take a break from academic classes and refresh their mind.s. On the other hand, others argues that schools should focus solely on academics training. They believe that the main purpose of school is to prepare students for future careers and higher education, which requires a strong foundation in subjects like math, science, and language. They worry that including sports in the curriculum will take away valuable time and resources from core academic subjects. Furthermore, not all students are interested in or good at sports, and some may prefer to focus on their studies rather than being forced to participate in athletics. In my oppinion, schools should aim for a balance between acadeemics and sports. While academic learning should be the top priority, sports can provide important benefits for students' health, social development, and overall wellbeing. Schools can offer sports as an optional activity or elective course, rather than requiring it for all students. They can also look for ways to integrate physical activity into the academic curriculum, such as using movement breaks during lessons or incorporating sports-related math problems. By finding a middle ground, schools can support students' academic and athletic growth.
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Expert Feedback

The essay effectively addresses the task by discussing both views on the inclusion of sports in the school curriculum and presents a clear opinion. Key strengths include a logical structure that separates the two viewpoints and a personal opinion that is well-articulated. However, critical areas for improvement include enhancing the development of ideas with more specific examples and a deeper exploration of the implications of each viewpoint. Additionally, the use of varied cohesive devices could improve the flow between ideas. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving subject-verb agreement, and ensuring proper pluralization of terms. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include incorporating a wider range of vocabulary and idiomatic expressions, as well as providing more detailed examples to support the arguments. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and objective stance throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay is generally coherent, with a logical structure that separates the two viewpoints and presents a personal opinion. However, some transitions between ideas could be smoother. For example, using more varied cohesive devices could improve the flow, such as 'Moreover' or 'Conversely' to better link contrasting ideas.
6.5
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, but there are several grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement ('some believes' should be 'some believe') and incorrect article usage ('the main purpose of school is to prepare students for future careers'). To enhance the score, the writer should focus on proofreading for grammatical accuracy and varying sentence structures.
6.0
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is appropriate for the topic, but there are instances of repetition and some inaccuracies, such as 'acadeemics' instead of 'academics' and 'curiculum' instead of 'curriculum'. Additionally, phrases like 'important skill' should be pluralized to 'important skills'. To improve, the writer could incorporate a wider range of vocabulary and idiomatic expressions.
6.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task by discussing both views on the inclusion of sports in the school curriculum and presents a clear opinion. However, the development of ideas could be enhanced with more specific examples and a deeper exploration of the implications of each viewpoint. For instance, elaborating on how sports can specifically aid in academic performance would strengthen the argument.
7.0

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