Some people think that to produce a happier society is to ensure that there is only a small difference on the earnings of the richest and the poorest members. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Part 2
5.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

Nowadays, it can be seen in the news that the earnings gap between the poor and the rich is get moreting wider. I agree that if we want to create morea happyier society, we should lessen the financial difference money ofbetween the poorest and the richest people. Firstly, there is a lotare many benefits when there is not too manyuch different once in the income of people. When everyone has a similar earning, pepople can live more comfortably. They don not need to worry too much about how to buy food or pay for school because they hasve enough money for it. Besides, since everybody has almost the same moneyincome, the prices of products and services will be more stable and will not increase too fast. fFor example, if all people isare rich, the cost of houses and cars will rise very quick.ly. Secondly, lessa smaller differentce in earnings also means that poor people have higher incomes too. So that they can aford This allows them to affor ad better education and healthcare. This makes the overall society will be more educated and healthy. An rResearch shows that countryies with a smaller gap between the rich and the poor tend to hasve higher education rates and lessower criminal.e rates. In conclusion, iI strongly believe that reduceing the difference in earnings ofbetween the poorest and the richest person will make a society become more happy. Itindividuals will lead to a happier society. This is because people will hasve more stable lifeves, and poor people can getindividuals can achieve a higher living standard.
DeletedOriginal textAddedCorrected text

Expert Feedback

The essay presents a clear position on the issue of income disparity and its impact on societal happiness, which is a key strength. The structure is generally appropriate, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, there are critical areas for improvement, particularly in grammatical accuracy and lexical variety. The original essay contained numerous grammatical errors and misspellings that detracted from clarity, which have been addressed in the corrected version. Additionally, the vocabulary was somewhat repetitive and limited, so a wider range of vocabulary has been incorporated. The structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving sentence structures, and enhancing coherence through better transitions. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include providing more specific examples and elaborating on the societal impacts of a smaller income gap. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and persuasive style throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the flow of ideas is occasionally disrupted by awkward phrasing and grammatical errors. The use of cohesive devices is present but could be more varied and effective. To enhance coherence, the writer should focus on clearer transitions between ideas and ensure that each paragraph logically follows from the previous one.
5.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains numerous grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues (e.g., 'earnings between poor and rich is get more wider'), incorrect verb forms, and awkward sentence structures. These errors detract from the overall clarity of the writing. To improve, the writer should focus on using correct grammatical structures and varying sentence types to demonstrate a wider range of grammatical competence.
4.5
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several instances of repetition and misspellings (e.g., 'nowdays', 'pepole', 'helthcare'). While some phrases are effective, the overall range of vocabulary is limited. To improve, the writer should aim to use a wider variety of vocabulary and ensure correct spelling to enhance clarity and professionalism.
5.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the prompt by presenting a clear position that supports reducing the income gap to create a happier society. However, the development of ideas is somewhat limited, and the examples provided lack depth and specificity. To improve, the writer could include more detailed examples and elaborate on the benefits of a smaller income gap, such as discussing specific societal impacts or referencing studies.
5.0

Related Writing Samples

Part 2
5.0

Many people believe that social networking sites (such as Facebook) have had a huge negative impact on individuals and society. To what extent do you agree?

Part 2
6.5

Whether or not someone achieves their aims is mostly a question of luck. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Part 2
8.0

We have become a disposable society, preferring to buy new products rather than fixing existing items. What are the causes of this trend and what are the possible solutions?

Part 2
5.5

The tendency that news reports in media focus on problems and emergencies rather than on positive developments is harmful for individuals and the society. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Part 2
7.0

Today single-use products are still very common. Why is this? What are the problems associated with this?

Part 2
6.5

In the future, more people will choose to go on holiday in their own country and not travel abroad on holiday. Do you agree or disagree?