Some people who have been in prison become good citizens later, and it is often argued that these are the best people to talk to teenagers about the dangers of committing a crime. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Part 2
5.5

Sample Essay with Corrections

In my opinion i am, I agreeing that people who were in thehave been in prison and later become a good citizen later, they are best people to talking to thes are the best individuals to talk to teenagers about howthe danger it is tos of committing a crime. There are someeveral reason fors why i am agree withI support this opinion. Firstly, the ex-prisoners have firsthand experience about the badof the severe consequencese of committing crimes. They know how it feels to live in a prison, far from family and friends, and to loose their freedom. This experience will make teenagers think twice before they commit a crimes, becauseas they don not want to feelingendure the same thing. Second, the people who werefate. Secondly, individuals who have been in a prison before usually have a realoften have compelling storyies about their past that they can share to withe teenagers. The teenagers tentd to listen more to the real-life storyies than just ato theoryies or somethinginformation they read in a books. Real story willThese authentic narratives can touch their heart mores and makehelp them understand better about the dangers of committing crime. s more effectively. In conclusion, iI strongly agrebelieve that the best people to talk to teenagers about the dangerous of committing crime is ths are ex-prisoners who hasve changed their lives and becoming ae good citizens. Their experiences and real storyies will make thencourage teenagers to think more before doing something badcarefully before engaging in negative behaviour.
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Expert Feedback

The essay presents a clear opinion that ex-prisoners are suitable to talk to teenagers about crime, which is a key strength. The structure is generally appropriate, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, critical areas for improvement include the need for more depth in the argument, smoother transitions between points, and a wider range of vocabulary. The structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving coherence with better transitions, and enhancing clarity in phrasing. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include providing specific examples of stories ex-prisoners might share and exploring the potential impact of these stories on teenagers. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and persuasive style.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the flow of ideas is somewhat disjointed, and transitions between points could be smoother. For example, using cohesive devices like 'Moreover' or 'In addition' could enhance the connection between ideas. Improving the logical sequencing of arguments would also help.
5.5
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains several grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues ('the best people to talking'), incorrect verb forms ('commiting' should be 'committing'), and awkward phrasing. While the meaning is generally clear, these errors detract from the overall quality. To improve, the writer should focus on proofreading for grammatical accuracy and varying sentence structures.
5.0
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several instances of repetition (e.g., 'committing crime' and 'teenager'). Additionally, some phrases are awkwardly constructed, such as 'the best people to talking' and 'the dangerous of committing crime.' To improve, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary and avoid redundancy.
5.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the prompt by presenting a clear opinion that ex-prisoners are suitable to talk to teenagers about crime. However, it lacks depth in developing the argument and could benefit from more specific examples or evidence to support the claims made. For improvement, the writer could elaborate on the types of stories ex-prisoners might share and how these stories could impact teenagers.
6.0

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