Some secondary schools provide students with a general education across a range of subjects whereas others focus on fewer subjects related to a particular career. Do you think the advantages of a focused education outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the topic and presents a personal opinion, which is a key strength. The structure is generally appropriate, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, critical areas for improvement include the need for more specific examples and a deeper exploration of the advantages and disadvantages of each educational approach. The essay also contained numerous grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that hindered clarity. Structural changes made include improving the clarity of topic sentences and ensuring smoother transitions between ideas. Additionally, spelling and grammatical errors were corrected to enhance overall readability. For further improvements, the writer could focus on expanding their vocabulary and using more varied sentence structures to enhance the essay's complexity. Additionally, providing more detailed examples would strengthen the argument. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and reflective style throughout.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the flow of ideas is sometimes disrupted by awkward phrasing and unclear connections between sentences. To enhance coherence, the writer should use clearer topic sentences and linking phrases to guide the reader through the argument more effectively.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The essay contains numerous grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues, incorrect verb forms, and awkward sentence structures. These errors occasionally hinder clarity and understanding. To improve, the writer should practice using a wider range of grammatical structures accurately and ensure that sentences are well-formed and clear.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several instances of incorrect word forms and spelling errors (e.g., 'hightschool', 'gooder', 'carrear', 'advantag'). While some varied vocabulary is present, the overall lexical range is limited. To improve, the writer should focus on using more precise and varied vocabulary, ensuring correct spelling and word forms.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both focused and general education, presenting a personal opinion and examples. However, the development of ideas is somewhat limited, and the argument lacks depth and clarity in places. To improve, the writer could provide more specific examples and elaborate on the advantages and disadvantages of each educational approach.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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