Some working parents think that childcare centres provide the best care for children who are still too young to go to school. Other working parents think that family members such as grandparents will be better carers for their children. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Part 2
5.5

Sample Essay with Corrections

It has been an argumentative topic that what isregarding the best option ofor takeing care tof childsren when they are too young to going to school, while their parents isare working. Some peoples believe that sending children's to childcare centres is the greabetter choice,; on the other hands, some peoples thinks that let theting grandparents or others family members to take care of the child is betterpreferable. In this aessay i, I will discuss both sides of the view and thaen give my opinion at the end. On the f Firstly, iI agree that childcare centeres can provides high-quality care to young childrens. This is because childcare centeres have trained and experiencesd staffs who know how to educate and take good care of children. Moreover, in childcare centres, childrens can socializse and play with others children of their same age, twhis canch helps in the development of their social skills. Childcare centres are equiptped with many toys and educational materials that can help children's to learning and grow. On the other hand, some parents prefers to let their child be cared for by family members like grandparrents. The reason is that family members can provide more personalizsed and loving care to the child. Grandparents have more times and patientce to take care of children, and they can also share their life experiences and knowledge to childwith them. Besides that, letting children stay with family can save a lot of money compared to sending them to childcare centre. s. In conclusion, iI think that both childcare centres and family members have theyir own advantages in taking care of young children. Parents should choose based on their own situation and preferences. If parents want their child to have more social interaction and educational opportunityies, thaen childcare centeres may be the better option. ButHowever, if parents want their child to have a closer bond with family and more personalised care, thaen letting them stay with grandparents or other family ismembers is a good choice.
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Expert Feedback

The essay effectively addresses the task by discussing both views regarding childcare options for young children, which is a key strength. However, the development of ideas is somewhat limited, and the conclusion could be more decisive. The overall coherence and cohesion of the essay have been improved by correcting awkward phrasing and grammatical errors, as well as enhancing transitions between ideas. Critical areas for improvement include the need for more specific examples or evidence to support the points made, as well as a wider range of vocabulary to avoid repetition and misuse. The grammatical accuracy has been addressed, but further proofreading and practice with complex sentence structures would benefit the writer. Structural changes made include correcting the introduction for clarity, improving the flow of ideas between paragraphs, and ensuring proper subject-verb agreement and verb forms. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include incorporating specific statistics or studies related to child development in different care settings to strengthen the argument. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and objective stance throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the flow of ideas is occasionally disrupted by awkward phrasing and grammatical errors. For instance, phrases like 'On the firstly' and 'than give my opinion at the end' could be improved for clarity. Using more cohesive devices and clearer transitions would enhance coherence.
5.5
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains numerous grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues ('childrens' vs. 'children'), incorrect verb forms ('to going' should be 'to go'), and awkward sentence structures. While the writer demonstrates some range in sentence construction, the frequency of errors detracts from overall clarity. To improve, the writer should focus on proofreading for grammatical accuracy and practicing complex sentence structures.
5.0
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several instances of repetition and misuse, such as 'childrens' instead of 'children' and 'greater choice' instead of 'better choice.' The writer could benefit from using a wider range of vocabulary and more precise terms to convey their ideas effectively. For example, instead of 'high-quality care,' they could use 'exceptional care' or 'superior care.'
5.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task by discussing both views regarding childcare options for young children. However, the development of ideas is somewhat limited, and the conclusion could be more decisive. To improve, the writer could provide more specific examples or evidence to support their points, such as statistics on child development in different care settings.
6.0

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