Task 2: Today more people put personal and private information (address, telephone and plastic card numbers) online to do their daily activities such as banking, shopping, and socializing. Is this a positive or negative development?

Part 2
5.5

Sample Essay with Corrections

Nowadays, more and more people are putting their personal and private informations like, such as addresses, telephone numbers, and plasticcredit card numbers, on the internet, to docarry out their daily thingactivities, such as banking, shopping, and using social medias. I think this is mostly a negative development for society in current times. On the one hand, putting personal information online can be conveniencet. It is now easy to buy things online from any place and at any time, without the need to go out of the house. Alsodditionally, we can makinge friends on social media sites and stay in contacted with family who livinge far away. Online banking is much more quicker than going to the bank in person, saving manya lot of time. All of these benefits are happenoccur because we putshare our private informations on the internet. However, in my opinion, the risk ares outwayeigh any potential benefits. One major concern is security -; if hackers break into a website or database where our infosrmation is keepedpt, they can stoleeal our money from bank accounts or use credit cards to makinge unauthorized purchases. Identity thief it has also become a more common problem. In additionFurthermore, companyies can selling our private informations to advertisers without our permission, leading to spam emails and phone calls. It is also hard to remove personal datas once it is online, so itwhich may eaffected our future careers and relationships if we are not carefull. In conclusion, although there are some advantages to shareing personal and private informations online like, such as convienience and connecting with others, I believe the disadvantages, such as security risks and a lack of control over our own datas, make it an overall negative trend. We need stricter rules and regulations to protect people's privacy and give them more powers over their own informations in the digital age.
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Expert Feedback

The essay presents a clear argument against the sharing of personal information online, effectively addressing both positive and negative aspects. Key strengths include a clear position and a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, critical areas for improvement include grammatical accuracy, vocabulary range, and coherence. The structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving spelling, and enhancing transitions between ideas. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include providing specific examples to support claims, such as real-world instances of identity theft, and varying sentence structures to demonstrate grammatical range. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and analytical style throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the flow of ideas is sometimes disrupted by awkward phrasing and a lack of clear transitions between points. For example, using cohesive devices like 'furthermore' or 'in addition' could enhance the logical progression of ideas. Improving the organization of paragraphs would also contribute to better coherence.
5.5
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains numerous grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues and incorrect verb forms (e.g., 'are happen', 'is keeped'). While the meaning is generally clear, these errors detract from the overall quality of the writing. To improve, the writer should focus on using correct verb tenses and ensuring subject-verb agreement, as well as varying sentence structures to demonstrate grammatical range.
5.0
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several instances of repetition and misspellings (e.g., 'puttin', 'informations', 'convinience'). While some phrases are effective, such as 'identity thief', the overall range of vocabulary is limited. To improve, the writer should aim to use a wider variety of synonyms and ensure correct spelling to enhance clarity and sophistication.
5.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task by discussing both the positive and negative aspects of sharing personal information online, ultimately presenting a clear position that it is a negative development. However, the development of ideas could be improved with more specific examples and a clearer structure. For instance, elaborating on the consequences of identity theft with a real-world example would strengthen the argument.
6.0

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