Television has had a significant influence on the culture of many societies. To what extent would you say that television has positively or negatively affected the cultural development of your society?

Part 2
6.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

Television have bigs a significant influence foron the culture of many societyies. I thinkbelieve television haves affected the cultureal development of my society in both positive and negative way.s. On the one hand, TV brings many benefit fors to my culture. It helps spread information and knowledge quickly to many people. For example, news programs keep people informed about important events and issues in society. This helps people become more aware and engaged with what is happening around them. Educational shows also teach valuable lessons and skills, likesuch as history, science, and language. This helps improve the education level of the population. Moreover, television promotes cultural heritage and tradition. Many programs showcase traditional music, dance, and festivals of my country. This helps preserve and celebrate our unique identity in a globalised world. It also attracts tourists and boosts the economy. On the other hand, television also haves some drawbacks on culture. It can spread negative influences and values, especially to young people. For instance, some shows glorify violence, crime, and immoral behaviour. This can desensitizse viewers and make them more likely to engage in such actions. Advertisements also encourage materialism and consumerism, which erode traditional values of simplicity and contentment. Furthermore, television can homogenizse culture by exposeing people to the same content and styles from around the world. This can lead to a loss of diversity and local flavour as people adopt foreign trends and practices. It also makes people less interested in their own culture and heritage. In conclusion, I believe television haves both positive and negative impact tos on the cultural development of my society. While it spreads knowledge and promotes tradition, it also introduces negative influences and homogenizeses culture. Therefore, it is important to have a balance and regulation to maximizse the benefits and minimizse the harms of television on our culture.
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Expert Feedback

The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both the positive and negative impacts of television on culture, which is a key strength. The structure is logical, with clear paragraphs for each main idea, and the overall flow is maintained. However, there are critical areas for improvement, particularly in grammatical accuracy, where subject-verb agreement and verb forms need attention. The use of more varied cohesive devices would enhance coherence, and the vocabulary could be more sophisticated to avoid repetition and awkward phrasing. Structural changes included correcting grammatical errors and improving transitions between ideas. For further improvement, the writer could elaborate on specific examples and provide a more decisive conclusion. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and analytical style throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with clear paragraphs for each main idea. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and transitions between ideas could be smoother. For example, phrases like 'On the one hand' and 'On the other hand' are used, but more varied linking words could enhance the flow. Improving the overall coherence by ensuring that each point clearly connects to the thesis would be beneficial.
6.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains several grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement issues ('Television have' should be 'Television has') and incorrect verb forms ('have affect' should be 'has affected'). While the meaning is generally clear, these errors detract from the overall quality. To improve, the writer should focus on ensuring subject-verb agreement and using correct verb tenses throughout the essay.
5.5
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are instances of repetition and awkward phrasing, such as 'big influence' and 'have affect.' More sophisticated vocabulary could be employed to enhance the essay, such as using 'significant impact' instead of 'big influence.' Additionally, some phrases could be more idiomatic, which would improve the overall lexical range.
6.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the positive and negative impacts of television on culture. However, the development of ideas could be more thorough, with more specific examples and clearer explanations. For instance, elaborating on how educational shows improve education levels or providing more detailed examples of cultural heritage promotion would strengthen the argument. Additionally, the conclusion could be more decisive in summarizing the main points.
6.5

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