The average standard of people's health is likely to be lower in the future than it is now. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The essay presents a clear argument that health will improve in the future, which is a key strength. The structure is generally appropriate, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, there are critical areas for improvement, particularly in grammar, spelling, and the depth of argumentation. The original essay contained numerous grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that hindered clarity. In the corrected version, I focused on addressing these issues by correcting spelling mistakes, improving grammatical accuracy, and enhancing coherence through better transitions. Further improvements could include providing specific examples or statistics to support claims about medical advancements and education, which would strengthen the argument. Additionally, varying vocabulary and sentence structures would enhance the overall quality of the writing. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and persuasive style throughout.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the flow of ideas is sometimes disrupted by awkward phrasing and unclear connections between sentences. For instance, the transition between discussing medical advancements and education could be smoother. To enhance coherence, the writer should use more cohesive devices and ensure that each paragraph logically follows from the previous one.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The essay contains numerous grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues (e.g., 'medical science are always improve', 'peoples is more educated'), incorrect verb forms (e.g., 'we has discovered'), and awkward sentence structures. These errors hinder clarity and accuracy. To improve, the writer should focus on mastering basic grammatical rules and varying sentence structures to enhance the overall quality of their writing.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several spelling errors (e.g., 'beleive', 'helth', 'badder', 'hygein', 'contry', 'develope', 'importants', 'confidense') that detract from the overall quality. Additionally, the use of repetitive phrases like 'peoples' and 'helth' indicates a limited range of vocabulary. To improve, the writer should focus on using a wider variety of vocabulary and ensuring correct spelling.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The essay addresses the prompt by arguing that health will improve in the future, which is relevant to the topic. However, the argument lacks depth and development, with some points not fully elaborated. For example, the mention of medical advancements could be supported with specific examples or statistics. To improve, the writer should provide more detailed evidence and examples to strengthen their position.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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