The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

Part 1 (Academic)
5.5

Sample Essay with Corrections

The bar charts illustrate the proportion of males and female Australian citizens who engages regularily in physically activity in the 2010 yearyear 2010, splited into differents age groups. The data is shown within percentages. In general, for both genders, the younger age groups have a higher percentage of people who exercise regularly compared to the older ones. The 15-24 age group have mosts the highest percentage, with more thean 52.8% of mens and around 47.7% of womens do participating in physical activeity. On the others hands, the 65+ age group has the lower prest percentage, with only 25% of women and slightely more of men, about 46.6%. If we When compare betweening males and females, the mens in every ages group tend to be more physically active thean womens of the same age groups. For example, in the 25-34 age category, around 52% of man while only 44.4% women diden engage in regular physicaly active. Theity, while only 44.4% of women do. A similear pattern can be seen for the 35-44 and 45-54 ages groups, with also aboutn 8-9% differentce between genders. BThe biggest gap is in the elderly age group of 65 years or older, where 44.6% ofor men againstre active compared to only 25.4% ofor womaen. In summary, the charts shows that Australian men are more likely to engages in the regulear physical activity compared to women oin year 2010, across all aged groups. Younger people are also more active compared to older generations for both genders.
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Expert Feedback

The essay effectively summarizes the main features of the bar charts and makes relevant comparisons between genders and age groups, which is a key strength. However, critical areas for improvement include grammatical accuracy, clarity of expression, and the use of varied vocabulary. Structural changes were made to enhance coherence, such as correcting awkward phrases and ensuring proper subject-verb agreement. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented include varying sentence structures more effectively and incorporating more precise vocabulary to avoid repetition. The tone used is appropriate for an academic task, maintaining a formal and informative style.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay demonstrates a logical progression of ideas, but the coherence is occasionally hindered by awkward phrasing and grammatical errors. The use of cohesive devices is present but could be improved for better flow. For example, using phrases like 'In contrast' or 'On the other hand' could enhance the clarity of comparisons. A clearer introduction and conclusion would also strengthen the overall coherence.
6.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The writing contains several grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues ('who engages' should be 'who engage'), incorrect verb forms, and awkward sentence structures. While there is some range in sentence structures, the frequent errors detract from the overall clarity. To improve, the writer should focus on proofreading for grammatical accuracy and varying sentence structures more effectively.
5.0
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several instances of incorrect word forms and spelling errors, such as 'regularily', 'differents', and 'pysical'. The writer uses some varied vocabulary, but there is repetition of phrases like 'age group' and 'physical activity'. To improve, the writer should aim for more precise and varied word choices, and ensure correct spelling.
5.5
Task Achievement
The response addresses the task by summarizing the main features of the bar chart and making relevant comparisons between genders and age groups. However, it lacks clarity in some areas and could benefit from more precise language and a clearer structure. For improvement, the writer should ensure that all statements are accurate and clearly articulated, such as correcting 'most highest' to 'highest' and 'slitely' to 'slightly'.
6.0

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