The bar chart below shows the results of a survey conducted by a personnel department at a major company. The survey was carried out on two groups of workers: those aged from 18-30 and those aged 45-60, and shows factors affecting their work performance.

Part 1 (Academic)
6.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

The bar charts is illustratinge the results from thea survey about how different factors eaffecting the job performances of two age groups of employee,s: the younger group from, aged 18 to 30 years old and, and the older group between, aged 45 to 60. For each categoriesy, the employees wasere asked to indicate ifwhether those factors hasd a positive or, negative impact, or no impact on their job. Looking at the younger workers group, the factor that most of them says haves a positive effect ton their work is family and next is, followed closely by health. Interestingly, for young people, family givprovides more benefit mores than it causes trouble. Salary and work environment are both equal at around 55% saying it', with respondents indicating these as positive factors. However, over half of the 18-30-years -old thinks believe that relationships at work isare not an important factor. For the other group with people in the older ages range, is very apparant the large In contrast, for the older age group, there is a significant differentce between the impact of health and family compared to the younger people resultgroup. Almost 100 percentage points indicate family as a positive factor, while health drops to less than a half from around 80% for the 18-30 group. We can seeA similar pattern can be observed in terms of the work environment at work and salary as well. In summary, the two age groups have bigexhibit a substantial gap in how family and health affect their work performances. Relationships become more important as people get older, but salary and work environment stay about the same in the levelremain relatively constant in terms of significance.
DeletedOriginal textAddedCorrected text

Expert Feedback

The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the task, effectively summarizing the survey results and comparing the two age groups. Key strengths include a logical structure and a good attempt to present the data. However, critical areas for improvement include grammatical accuracy, clarity in expression, and the use of a wider range of vocabulary. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving sentence clarity, and enhancing coherence with better transition phrases. Further improvements could involve providing more specific data points from the bar chart and varying sentence structures to demonstrate a broader grammatical range. The tone used is appropriate for an academic context, maintaining a formal and objective style throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a logical structure, but the flow of ideas could be improved. Some sentences are awkwardly constructed, which affects the overall coherence. For instance, phrases like 'the factor that most of them says have positive effect' could be rephrased for clarity. Using more cohesive devices, such as 'in contrast' or 'similarly,' would enhance the connections between ideas.
6.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
There are several grammatical errors throughout the essay, such as subject-verb agreement issues ('the employees was asked') and incorrect word forms ('effecting' should be 'affecting'). These errors detract from the overall clarity of the writing. To improve, the writer should focus on proofreading for grammatical accuracy and varying sentence structures to demonstrate a wider range of grammatical competence.
5.5
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are instances of repetition and awkward phrasing, such as 'positive effect to their work' and 'is very apparant the large different.' To improve, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary and avoid redundancy. For example, instead of repeating 'factor,' synonyms like 'element' or 'aspect' could be used.
6.5
Task Achievement
The response addresses the task by summarizing the survey results and comparing the two age groups. However, it lacks some clarity in presenting the data and could benefit from more specific details or examples from the bar chart. To improve, the writer should ensure that all key points are clearly articulated and supported with data from the chart.
6.5

Related Writing Samples

Part 1 (Academic)
8.0

You eat at your college cafeteria every lunch time. However, you think it needs some improvements. Write a letter to the college magazine. In your letter, explain what you like about the cafeteria say what is wrong with it suggest how it could be improved

Part 1 (Academic)
6.5

The graph below shows average carbon dioxide (CO2) emissions per person in the United Kingdom, Sweden, Italy and Portugal between 1967 and 2007. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

Part 1 (Academic)
6.0

The graph below gives information about the percentage of the population in four Asian countries living in cities from 1970 to 2020, with predictions for 2030 and 2040. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

Part 1 (Academic)
5.0

The pie charts show the destination of export goods in three countries in 2010.

Part 1 (Academic)
5.0

The chart below shows the expenditure of two countries on consumer goods in 2010.

Part 1 (Academic)
5.0

"Violence in playgrounds is increasing. However, it is important that parents should teach children not to hit back at bullies."