The bar chart compares the percentage of Australian-born and foreign-born residents living in urban, rural, and town areas between 1995 and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. Write at least 150 words.

Part 1 (Academic)
7.5

Sample Essay with Corrections

The bar chart shows information about where people livedillustrates the living arrangements of individuals in Australia during two differenstinct years, 1995 and 2010, and it compares people who wercomparing those born in Australia with those who cameimmigrated from other countries. Look Examining at the data, we can see that most of the people who were not born in Australiait is evident that a significant majority of foreign-born residents preferred to livreside in urban areas. The percentage was quitenotably high in 1995, around 85%, and it became even higher in 2010 when it reached almost 90%. I think this is because cities have more job opportunities for people who come from differentt approximately 85%, and increased further in 2010, reaching nearly 90%. This trend may be attributed to the greater job opportunities available in cities for immigrants. In countries. For Australian-born people, the pattern was different. They were more spread outast, the living patterns of Australian-born individuals were more varied across different areagions. In 1995, abroutnd 45% of them lived in urbmetropolitan areagions, 35% in rural placeareas, and 20% in towns. But things changed by 2010 - more Australian-born people moved to cities, with the percentage going up to 55% in urban areas, while rural areas saw less people, dropping to 25%. The most interesting thing I noticed is thatHowever, by 2010, there was a noticeable shift, with the percentage of Australian-born residents in urban areas rising to 55%, while those in rural areas decreased to 25%. Interestingly, both groups showexhibited similar trends of moving toigration towards cities over time, buyet foreign-born people always preferred urban areas much more strongly than those born in Australia. Alsoindividuals consistently showed a stronger preference for urban living compared to their Australian-born counterparts. Additionally, very few people foreign-born outreside Australia chose to live innts opted for rural areasliving in both years, while Australian-born citizens still maintained a significant presence therein these areas despite the overall decline.
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Expert Feedback

The essay effectively summarizes the main features of the bar chart, providing a clear comparison between the living preferences of Australian-born and foreign-born residents. Key strengths include a logical structure and appropriate vocabulary usage. However, critical areas for improvement include enhancing the use of cohesive devices for smoother transitions and avoiding redundancy in vocabulary. Structural changes made include the addition of clearer topic sentences and improved transitions between paragraphs. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include incorporating more specific data points in the overview and varying the vocabulary further to avoid repetition. The tone used is appropriate for an academic context, maintaining a formal and informative style.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay is generally well-organized, with a logical flow of ideas. However, the use of cohesive devices could be improved. For instance, transitions between the discussion of Australian-born and foreign-born residents could be smoother. Using phrases like 'In contrast' or 'Similarly' would help to enhance the coherence of the comparisons.
7.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The grammatical structures used are generally accurate, with a mix of simple and complex sentences. However, there are minor errors, such as 'less people' which should be 'fewer people'. Additionally, some sentences could be more concise. For instance, 'the percentage was quite high in 1995, around 85%' could be simplified to 'in 1995, approximately 85%'.
7.0
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is appropriate and varied, with terms like 'preferred', 'opportunities', and 'significant presence'. However, there is some repetition of phrases such as 'urban areas' and 'Australian-born'. To improve, the writer could use synonyms or rephrase to avoid redundancy, for example, using 'metropolitan regions' instead of repeating 'urban areas'.
7.5
Task Achievement
The response effectively summarizes the main features of the bar chart, comparing the living preferences of Australian-born and foreign-born residents. However, it could improve by providing more specific data points and clearer comparisons, particularly in the conclusion. For example, explicitly stating the percentage changes for both groups in rural and town areas would enhance clarity.
7.5

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