The bar chart shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.

Part 1 (Academic)
6.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

The diagram displayings the percentages of men and womaen from Australia who exercised regularly in the year 2010, categorized by age. It is evident from the graphic that more mens engaged in physical activity compared to womens across all age groups. The age group with the greatest percentage of active individuals was 15-24 years old, where around 52.8% of men and 47.7% of women exercised regularly. This trend continued in the 25-34 age group, with slightly lower percentages at approximately 48.2% for men and 42.8% for womaen. However, there was a significant drop in physical activity levels among older age groups. For 35-44 year olds, only around 39.5% of men and 36% of womens exercised regularly. This decrease was even more pronounced in the 45-54 age group, where percentages fell to roughly 34.8% for men and 33.2% for women's. Interestingly, there was a slight increase in physical activelity among the oldest age group of 55-64 years old. Approximately 37.3% of men and 34% of women in theseis age group engaged in regular exercise. Despite this small uptick, the overall trend shows declining physical activity levels with increasing age for both genders. In conclusion, the data reveals a concerning pattern of decreasing physical activity as Australian men and women age. It highlightings the need for targeted interventions to promote regular exercise among older populations and address gender disparities in physical activelity levels.
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Expert Feedback

The essay effectively summarizes the data presented in the diagram, highlighting key trends and comparisons between genders and age groups. Key strengths include a clear structure and logical progression of ideas. However, critical areas for improvement include the need for a more explicit overview and smoother transitions between points. Structural changes made include correcting spelling errors, improving subject-verb agreement, and enhancing the clarity of sentences. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include varying vocabulary to avoid repetition and incorporating more cohesive devices to enhance flow. The tone used is appropriate for an academic context, maintaining a formal and informative style.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay is generally coherent, with a logical progression of ideas. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where transitions between points could be smoother. For example, phrases like 'Interestingly' could be better integrated into the flow of the text. Improving the use of linking words and phrases would enhance the overall cohesion.
6.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The writing demonstrates some grammatical range, but there are multiple errors in subject-verb agreement (e.g., 'mens', 'womans'), tense usage, and sentence structure. These errors affect clarity and accuracy. To improve, the writer should focus on proofreading for grammatical mistakes and varying sentence structures to enhance complexity.
5.5
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is appropriate for the task, but there are several instances of repetition (e.g., 'men', 'women', 'age group'). Additionally, there are some spelling errors (e.g., 'womans', 'regular', 'pronounce', 'actively') that detract from the overall quality. To improve, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary and ensure correct spelling.
6.0
Task Achievement
The response addresses the task by summarizing the data presented in the bar chart, highlighting key trends and comparisons between genders and age groups. However, it lacks a clear overview and some details are not fully developed, such as the implications of the trends. To improve, the writer could provide a more explicit summary of the overall trends at the beginning and ensure all points are clearly articulated.
6.5

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