The bar chart shows the percentage of males and females aged 18-20 in a city who participated in various activities in one month in 2015.

Part 1 (Academic)
6.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

The chart is showings data about people aged 18-20 years old living in a city and whatthe percentages do inof activities they engage in over one month. The data is from 2015 and showshighlights the differences ofbetween males and females. H The highest percentage iof young adults goinges to the cinema. fFor males, it is over 90% who go to the cinema and female lit, while for females, it is slightley less maybe, around 80 tor 85%. Both figures are very high though. Next is, going to pubs, shows similar percentages for both genders, with around 75% of males and female similar around 75%. Third iss participating. The third activity is visiting nightclubs, more male than female go night club in the data. Lowest iswhere a higher percentage of males attend compared to females. The lowest percentages are for museums and art gallery. Maleies. The percentage of males visiting museums is the lowest on the chart maybe 10%. F, at about 10%. In contrast, the percentage for females is double that so, at 20%. Female more likely than men going to museums it look like fromThis suggests that females are more likely than males to visit museums, according to the results infrom 2015. In conclusion, the chart showillustrates how young adults in the city spend theire free time inover a month. MThe most popular is cinema thenactivity is going to the cinema, followed by pubs and nightclubs. Museum iss are the least popular in data especially for the men, particularly among males. It would be interesting to see what the percentages isare now in 2023 and ifwhether any changes happenve occurred.
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Expert Feedback

The essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the task, effectively summarizing the data presented in the chart. Key strengths include a clear identification of the main activities and a logical structure. However, critical areas for improvement include enhancing clarity and precision in language, improving coherence with better transitions, and addressing grammatical errors. Structural changes made include refining the introduction for clarity, improving transitions between paragraphs, and correcting grammatical inaccuracies. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented include varying sentence structures and incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary. The tone used is appropriate for an academic context, maintaining a formal style throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a basic structure, but the flow of ideas is somewhat disjointed. There are abrupt transitions between points, and the use of cohesive devices is limited. For instance, phrases like 'next is' and 'lowest is' could be improved with more formal transitions. To enhance coherence, the writer should ensure that each paragraph logically follows from the previous one and use a wider range of cohesive devices.
5.5
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The writing contains several grammatical errors, such as 'the chart is showing' (should be 'shows') and 'there free time' (should be 'their free time'). Sentence structures are mostly simple, with limited variety. While the meaning is generally clear, the presence of errors affects the overall quality. To improve, the writer should focus on using a wider range of grammatical structures and ensuring accuracy in their writing.
5.5
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are instances of repetition and informal language, such as 'little less' and 'it look like.' The use of terms like 'highest percentage' and 'lowest' is effective, but the writer could benefit from incorporating more varied vocabulary and expressions. To improve, the writer should aim to use synonyms and more sophisticated phrases to convey their points.
6.0
Task Achievement
The response addresses the task by summarizing the data presented in the bar chart, but it lacks clarity and precision in some areas. For example, the phrase 'what percentages do in one month' is vague. Additionally, the conclusion could be more developed by summarizing the key findings more clearly. To improve, the writer should focus on providing a clearer overview of the data and ensuring that all statements are accurate and well-supported.
6.0

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