The chart below shows global sales of the top five mobile phone brands between 2009 and 2013. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and making comparisons where relevant.
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The essay effectively summarizes the main features of the chart, highlighting the trends in sales for each brand over the specified period. Key strengths include a clear overview and relevant comparisons, particularly between Nokia, Samsung, and Apple. However, critical areas for improvement include the need for more varied linking phrases to enhance cohesion and the use of synonyms to reduce repetition of terms like 'sales' and 'units'. The structural changes made include correcting 'sellings' to 'sales' and adding specific figures for LG and ZTE in the summary to enhance completeness. Further improvements could involve incorporating more varied vocabulary and linking phrases throughout the essay. The tone used is appropriate for an academic context, maintaining a formal and informative style.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The essay is well-organized, with a logical progression of ideas. The use of cohesive devices such as 'however', 'in contrast', and 'overall' helps to guide the reader through the information. To enhance cohesion, the writer could use more varied linking phrases to connect sentences and paragraphs.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The writing displays a good range of grammatical structures, with mostly accurate usage. There are minor errors, such as 'sellings' which should be 'sales', but these do not impede understanding. The overall clarity and effectiveness of the writing are strong, justifying a high score.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is appropriate and varied, with terms like 'exponentially', 'stagnant', and 'market leader' demonstrating a good range. However, there is some repetition of words such as 'sales' and 'units', which could be improved by using synonyms or rephrasing. For example, 'sales figures' or 'volume of sales' could be alternatives.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The response effectively summarizes the main features of the chart, highlighting the trends in sales for each brand over the specified period. It provides a clear overview and makes relevant comparisons, particularly between Nokia, Samsung, and Apple. To improve further, the writer could include specific figures for LG and ZTE in the summary to enhance completeness.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
Related Writing Samples
You eat at your college cafeteria every lunch time. However, you think it needs some improvements. Write a letter to the college magazine. In your letter, explain what you like about the cafeteria say what is wrong with it suggest how it could be improved
The graph below shows average carbon dioxide (CO2) emissions per person in the United Kingdom, Sweden, Italy and Portugal between 1967 and 2007. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The graph below gives information about the percentage of the population in four Asian countries living in cities from 1970 to 2020, with predictions for 2030 and 2040. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The pie charts show the destination of export goods in three countries in 2010.
The chart below shows the expenditure of two countries on consumer goods in 2010.
"Violence in playgrounds is increasing. However, it is important that parents should teach children not to hit back at bullies."