The chart below shows the percentage of internet users by age group in Canada who shopped online in 2014 and 2018.
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The essay effectively addresses the task by summarizing the data presented in the charts and highlighting key trends. Key strengths include a clear identification of the main trends and a logical structure. However, critical areas for improvement include enhancing the use of cohesive devices for smoother transitions and correcting grammatical errors that affect clarity. Structural changes made include correcting verb agreement and improving the phrasing of certain sentences for clarity. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include varying vocabulary to avoid repetition and incorporating more sophisticated terms. The tone used is appropriate for an academic task, maintaining a formal and informative style.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The essay is generally coherent, with a logical progression of ideas. However, the use of cohesive devices could be enhanced. For example, phrases like 'Firstly' and 'Secondly' are used, but transitions between ideas could be smoother. The conclusion could also better summarize the main points without introducing new information.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The writing demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, but there are several errors that affect clarity, such as 'the charts gives' (should be 'the charts give') and 'a increase' (should be 'an increase'). Additionally, the phrase 'over the 4 year periods' should be 'over the 4-year period'. These errors detract from the overall accuracy and fluency of the writing.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is appropriate for the task, with terms like 'percentage', 'age group', and 'online shopping'. However, there are some repetitive phrases, such as 'percentage of internet users who shopped online', which could be varied. More sophisticated vocabulary could enhance the overall quality, such as using 'demographic' instead of 'age group'.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The response addresses the task by summarizing the data presented in the charts and highlighting key trends. However, it could be improved by providing more specific data points and comparisons, such as mentioning the exact percentage increases for each age group more clearly. Additionally, the introduction could be more precise in stating that the data is presented in two separate charts.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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