The chart below shows the result of a survey about people's coffee and tea buying and drinking habits in five Australian cities.

Part 1 (Academic)
5.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

The chart is showing aboutllustrates a survaey which is done in 5conducted in five cityies of Australia for knowingto understand the habbits of peoples for regarding tea and coffee consumption. The cities included are Hobart, Melbourne, Sydney, Brisbane, and Adelaide, where the seurvey iwas condactedarried out by asking peopleindividuals about their regular consumeption of tea and coffee both at their home and when they godining out. It is clear from the cahart that the Adelaide ihas the city with highest proportion of people forwho drinking coffee and tea regularly at their home, which isith almost 63% of peoples living in Adelaide. Inresidents in Adelaide reporting this habit. In contrast, Hobart, has the lowest proportion of peoples are lowest for the regularindividuals consumeing tea or coffee at home which is, at only around 48% of peoples from Hobart city. But when we look the peoples. However, when examining the habbits of people drinking tea and coffee when they are out from thier home,, Adelaide again shows the lowest proportion is for Adelaide which 45% peopl, with only 45% of people consuming these beverages outside their homes. In conclusion, the habbits of drinking tea and coffee is different in all citys for at home and outside but Adelaide ivary across the cities both at home and outside. Notably, Adelaide stands out as the city where more people likeprefer to consume these hot drinks at home instead prefrather than when they are outside.
DeletedOriginal textAddedCorrected text

Expert Feedback

The essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the task by summarizing the survey results regarding coffee and tea consumption in five Australian cities. Key strengths include the identification of the main trends and the attempt to compare the cities. However, critical areas for improvement include clarity in presenting data, coherence in the flow of ideas, and grammatical accuracy. The structural changes made include clearer topic sentences, improved transitions between ideas, and corrections to spelling and grammatical errors. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include the use of more varied vocabulary and a deeper analysis of the data presented. The tone used is appropriate for an academic task, maintaining a formal and informative style.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a basic structure, but the flow of ideas is somewhat disjointed. There are instances of unclear transitions between sentences and ideas, which can confuse the reader. To enhance coherence, the writer could use more cohesive devices, such as 'in contrast' or 'similarly,' to better link the comparisons between cities.
5.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The writing contains numerous grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues and awkward sentence constructions (e.g., 'the Adelaide is the city with highest propotion'). These errors detract from the overall clarity of the message. To improve, the writer should focus on sentence structure and ensure grammatical accuracy, perhaps by proofreading for common mistakes.
4.5
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several instances of repetition (e.g., 'peoples,' 'habbit,' 'consume') and some inaccuracies (e.g., 'survay,' 'propotion'). To improve, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary and correct spelling errors. Incorporating synonyms and more varied expressions would enhance the lexical resource score.
5.0
Task Achievement
The response addresses the task by summarizing the survey results regarding coffee and tea consumption in five Australian cities. However, it lacks clarity in presenting the data and does not fully develop the comparisons between the cities. To improve, the writer should provide clearer distinctions between the cities and their respective statistics, perhaps by using comparative phrases or more structured paragraphs.
5.0

Related Writing Samples

Part 1 (Academic)
8.0

You eat at your college cafeteria every lunch time. However, you think it needs some improvements. Write a letter to the college magazine. In your letter, explain what you like about the cafeteria say what is wrong with it suggest how it could be improved

Part 1 (Academic)
6.5

The graph below shows average carbon dioxide (CO2) emissions per person in the United Kingdom, Sweden, Italy and Portugal between 1967 and 2007. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

Part 1 (Academic)
6.0

The graph below gives information about the percentage of the population in four Asian countries living in cities from 1970 to 2020, with predictions for 2030 and 2040. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

Part 1 (Academic)
5.0

The pie charts show the destination of export goods in three countries in 2010.

Part 1 (Academic)
5.0

The chart below shows the expenditure of two countries on consumer goods in 2010.

Part 1 (Academic)
5.0

"Violence in playgrounds is increasing. However, it is important that parents should teach children not to hit back at bullies."