The charts below show the percentage of secondary school students at a school in the UK taking different subjects in 1995 and this year.
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The essay effectively addresses the task by summarizing the changes in subject popularity among secondary school students over the specified years. Key strengths include a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a summary. However, critical areas for improvement include clarity in presenting data, correcting spelling errors, and ensuring grammatical accuracy, particularly with subject-verb agreement. Structural changes made include correcting awkward phrases and ensuring proper subject-verb agreement. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented include providing more precise comparisons and a wider range of vocabulary to avoid repetition. The tone used is appropriate for an academic task, maintaining a formal and informative style.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The essay has a logical structure, with an overall summary followed by specific details. However, some sentences are awkwardly constructed, which affects the flow. For example, 'the percentage of students take the most popular subjects have decreased' should be 'the percentage of students taking the most popular subjects has decreased.' Improving sentence structure and using more cohesive devices would enhance clarity.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The writing demonstrates some grammatical range, but there are multiple errors in subject-verb agreement and tense consistency (e.g., 'the most popular subjects was' should be 'were'). These errors detract from the overall clarity and accuracy. To improve, the writer should focus on ensuring subject-verb agreement and using correct verb forms throughout the text.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several spelling errors (e.g., 'secondery,' 'decreesed,' 'populer') and some repetition of words like 'percentage' and 'students.' To improve, the writer should aim for a wider range of vocabulary and ensure correct spelling, which would enhance the overall quality of the writing.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The response addresses the task by summarizing the changes in subject popularity among secondary school students over the specified years. However, it lacks some clarity and detail in presenting the data, such as specific percentages for all subjects in both years. To improve, the writer could include more precise comparisons and ensure that all subjects are mentioned clearly.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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