The charts below show the percentages of men and women aged 60-64 in employment in four countries in 1970 and 2000.

Part 1 (Academic)
5.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

The Ccharts showingillustrate the percentage of mens and womens work, in the workforce age isd 60 to 64 age, inin the years 1970 and 2000, for 4four countries. First for the USA country in 1970 it is around 80 percent of men workin but: the USA, Italy, Sweden, and Japan. In the USA, in 1970, approximately 80% of men were employed, while only maybe 40 pecent of women. But wabout 40% of women participated in then we see atorkforce. By the year 2000, is big change and now Mens %there was a significant change, with the percentage of men working is reduce a lot to maybe 55% only, and for womens now working %d to around 55%, whereas the percentage of women increasinged to almost 45%. Italy is 2the second country in the chart. In 1970 Italy, the percentage of maen working was very high, even morexceeding that of thane USA, is at about 85% but the women working only maybe 10% very less, big gap from, while the percentage of women in the workforce was only around 10%, indicating a substantial gap between men toand women. In the year 2000 now men working % redused to around 40% only butBy 2000, the percentage of men working had decreased to approximately 40%, while the percentage of womens increase a little bit to maybe 15% butd slightly to about 15%, still very low compared to men. In sSweden country the, the percentage of men working percent in 1970 aprox 85% very high like Italy. For womens the 1970 % working is maybe 55%, much more thanwas approximately 85%, similar to Italy. However, the percentage of women working was around 55%, significantly higher than in the USA and Italy. YearBy 2000 is, the percentage of mens working reducig a lot to maybe only 65% work now but the womens working %had decreased to about 65%, while the percentage of women increasinged to almost 65% also, so mens and womens % working is almos same in sweeden in 2000. Japan is 4th contry in chart. 1970 men workin is ver high, max from all country, is almost 90% working, but womens only maybe 45% work. In 200 now mens working is big drop to maybe 75% only working mens, and womens is stay same 45% as 1970, so women working not change from 1970 to 2000 for japan. In conclushion, the charts showing that in all countrys, mens working % is reduce from 1970 to 2000, but for womens working % is incresing in all countrys exept japan where is staying same. Sweeden is has highst womens working % in both 1970 and 2000 compare to other 3 country. Italy has lowst % of womens working out off all the countrys well, indicating that the employment rates for men and women were nearly equal in Sweden by this time. Japan is the fourth country in the chart. In 1970, the percentage of men working was the highest among all countries at nearly 90%, while the percentage of women was about 45%. By 2000, the percentage of men working had dropped significantly to around 75%, while the percentage of women remained unchanged at 45%, indicating no progress in women's employment in Japan during this period. In conclusion, the charts demonstrate that in all countries, the percentage of men working decreased from 1970 to 2000, while the percentage of women working increased in all countries except Japan, where it remained the same. Sweden had the highest percentage of women in the workforce in both 1970 and 2000 compared to the other three countries, while Italy had the lowest percentage of women working among all the countries.
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Expert Feedback

The revised essay presents a clearer and more structured response to the task. 1. Key strengths of the essay include a more formal tone, improved clarity, and a better-organized structure that adheres to the IELTS guidelines. The use of specific data points enhances the overall quality of the response. 2. Critical areas for improvement include further refinement of vocabulary to avoid repetition and the inclusion of more cohesive devices to enhance the flow between ideas. Additionally, attention to grammatical accuracy is still necessary, particularly in subject-verb agreement and sentence structure. 3. Structural changes made include clearer topic sentences for each paragraph, improved transitions between countries, and a more concise conclusion that summarizes the main points effectively. 4. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include varying sentence structures more significantly and incorporating a wider range of vocabulary to enhance lexical resource. 5. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining formality and clarity throughout the response.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a basic structure, but the flow of ideas is sometimes disrupted by awkward phrasing and grammatical errors. For instance, the transition between discussing different countries could be smoother. The use of cohesive devices is limited, which affects the overall coherence. To enhance coherence, the writer should use linking words and phrases more effectively to connect ideas and paragraphs.
5.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The writing contains numerous grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues (e.g., 'mens working % redused' should be 'men's working percentage reduced') and awkward sentence structures. While the writer demonstrates some range in sentence construction, the frequent errors hinder clarity. To improve, the writer should focus on grammatical accuracy and vary sentence structures more effectively.
4.5
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several instances of repetition and informal language, such as 'big change' and 'very high.' Additionally, there are spelling errors (e.g., 'mens' should be 'men's', 'incrase' should be 'increase'). To improve, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary and ensure correct spelling and formality.
5.0
Task Achievement
The response addresses the task by summarizing the data presented in the charts, but it lacks clarity and precision in some areas. For example, the phrase 'the charts showing percent of mens and womens work' is vague and could be more formally stated. Additionally, the conclusion could be more concise and focused. To improve, the writer should ensure that all statements are clear and directly related to the data, and avoid informal language.
5.0

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