The charts below show the results of a survey about what people of different age groups say makes them most happy.

Part 1 (Academic)
7.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

The given diagrams illustrates the survey results showing what makes individuals from different ages feels happiest. The data are divided into five age groups, from 15 years old until 50 and more years old.to 50 years old and above. In the youngest age group, 15 to 20 years old, the majority of 40% say that friends give them the most happiness. The second most popular choice among this age group is music at almost 30%. Meanwhile, less than 20% choose family foras what makes them happiest, and even fewer pick money or work as their top choices. Moving to In the next age group of 20-30 years, family becomes the largest proportion at around a third. Friends and work tie for second place, while music drops significantly to only about 10%. For people in their 30s, family still takes first place but by a larger margin of close to half. Work comes in second for 30-40 year olds at 30%. Friends, money, and music are all much lower at 10% or less each. For the 40-50 age group, family continues to dominate as the primary source of happiness, chosen by 40% of respondents. Work remains in second place but drops slightly. Money increases to nearly 20%, becoming the third most popular choice. Finally, for those over 50 years old, family and work are almost equal as the top reasons for feeling happy, at approximately 35% each. Money rises to about one quarter, while friends and music are selected by very few people aged 50 and older. In summary, the data shows a clear shift with age in what people say makes them most happyhappiest, from friends and music being key for the youngest group to family and work becoming much more important in older age groups.
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Expert Feedback

The essay effectively summarizes the survey results and highlights key trends across different age groups, demonstrating a good understanding of the task. Key strengths include a logical structure and appropriate vocabulary. However, there are critical areas for improvement, such as grammatical accuracy and the use of varied cohesive devices for smoother transitions. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving phrasing for clarity, and enhancing the flow between paragraphs. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented include incorporating synonyms to reduce repetition and using a wider range of linking words. The tone used is appropriate for an academic task, maintaining a formal and informative style.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay is generally well-organized, with a logical progression of ideas. However, some transitions between age groups could be smoother. For instance, phrases like 'Moving to the next age group' could be replaced with more varied cohesive devices. To improve, the writer could use linking words more effectively to enhance the flow of information.
7.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The writing displays a reasonable range of grammatical structures, but there are several grammatical errors, such as 'the majority of 40% say friends give them most happiness' which should be 'the majority of 40% say that friends give them the most happiness.' Additionally, 'happines' is a spelling error. To improve, the writer should focus on proofreading for minor errors and ensuring subject-verb agreement.
6.5
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is appropriate for the task, with terms like 'dominates,' 'proportion,' and 'respondents' demonstrating a good range. However, there are instances of repetition, such as the frequent use of 'family' and 'work.' To enhance the score, the writer could incorporate synonyms or varied expressions to avoid redundancy.
7.0
Task Achievement
The response addresses the task by summarizing the survey results effectively, highlighting key trends across different age groups. However, there are minor inaccuracies in phrasing, such as 'what make individuals from different ages feels happiest' which should be 'what makes individuals from different ages feel happiest.' To improve, the writer could provide more specific data points or comparisons to enhance clarity.
7.5

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