The company you work for is planning to provide special training for staff. Your duty is to find out if the local conference centre has suitable facilities in order to hold the training. Write a letter to the manager of the conference centre. In your letter Give some details about the training course Describe what kind of equipment you will need for the course Ask some questions about the facilities at the conference centre.
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
1. Key strengths of the essay include a clear structure and a logical flow of ideas, effectively addressing the task requirements by providing necessary details about the training course and asking relevant questions. 2. Critical areas for improvement include enhancing the formality of the tone, correcting grammatical errors, and varying vocabulary to avoid repetition. Additionally, improving coherence with better transitions between ideas would strengthen the overall quality. 3. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, such as changing 'the center have' to 'the centre has' and 'the computers needs' to 'the computers need.' I also replaced 'staffs' with 'participants' for accuracy and improved the overall formality of the letter. 4. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include using more varied vocabulary and incorporating additional cohesive devices to enhance transitions between paragraphs. 5. The tone used is generally appropriate for a formal letter, but it could be slightly more formal to match the context of a business inquiry.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The letter is generally well-organized, with a logical flow of ideas. However, some sentences could be better connected to enhance the overall coherence. For example, using more cohesive devices like 'Additionally' or 'Furthermore' could improve the transitions between ideas.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
There are several grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement ('the center have' should be 'the center has') and awkward constructions ('the computers needs' should be 'the computers need'). While these errors do not significantly impede understanding, they do detract from the overall quality of the writing.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is appropriate for the context, but there are instances of repetition, such as 'staffs' and 'center.' More varied vocabulary could enhance the letter. Additionally, using terms like 'participants' instead of 'staffs' would be more accurate.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The letter addresses the task requirements by providing details about the training course, describing the necessary equipment, and asking relevant questions about the conference centre's facilities. However, the tone could be slightly more formal, and there are minor inconsistencies in phrasing that could be improved for clarity.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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