The diagram below shows how rain water is collected and then treated to be used as drinking water in an Australian town. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

Part 1 (General)
5.5

Sample Essay with Corrections

The diagram showingillustrates the journey of how rainwater beis collected, treated, and becometransformed into drinking water for the people inresidents of a town fromin Australia. It showings all the steps from start to finish of the process to convert rain into drinkpotable water. At first Initially, the rain falls from the sky and it is collected in thea dam. The water from the dam is not clean yet, so it needs to be treated before it can drinkbe consumed. The water is pumped from the dam to the water treatment plant by using biga large pipe. In the treatment plant, the water will go through many stepundergoes several stages of cleaning and filtering to remove dirt, bacteria, and other thing that not good forsubstances that are harmful to health. After the water has been treated, it will beis stored in thea water storage tank. From the storage tank, the clean water will beis distributed to the houses in the town by usingthrough smaller pipes. The water that reaches the houses is safe and clean to drink because it has already gone through many step ofultiple stages of the treatment process. In conclusion, the diagram illustrates the process of how rainwater can be turnconverted into drinking water that is safe for people to consume. It involves the collection of rainwater, treatment of the water, storage of clean water, and distribution of the water to households.
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Expert Feedback

The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the process of collecting and treating rainwater, effectively addressing the main features of the diagram. Key strengths include a logical structure and a clear overview of the process. However, critical areas for improvement include enhancing the detail and clarity of the treatment stages, improving coherence through varied vocabulary and cohesive devices, and correcting grammatical errors. Structural changes made include refining the introduction for clarity, improving the flow between paragraphs, and correcting grammatical inaccuracies. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include incorporating more specific details about the treatment stages and using a wider range of vocabulary to avoid repetition. The tone used is appropriate for an academic context, maintaining formality throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a logical structure, but the flow of ideas could be improved. Some sentences are repetitive, and the use of cohesive devices is limited. For example, phrases like 'from the dam' and 'from the storage tank' could be varied to enhance cohesion. Using linking words such as 'firstly', 'next', and 'finally' could also help in guiding the reader through the process more smoothly.
5.5
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The writing contains several grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement issues ('it showing' should be 'it shows', 'it need' should be 'it needs'), and awkward constructions ('be collected' should be 'is collected'). These errors affect the overall clarity of the writing. To improve, the writer should focus on proofreading for grammatical accuracy and varying sentence structures.
5.0
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are instances of repetition (e.g., 'water', 'treatment', 'process'). The use of phrases like 'not good for health' could be replaced with more formal expressions such as 'harmful to health'. To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary and avoid redundancy.
6.0
Task Achievement
The response provides a clear overview of the process of collecting and treating rainwater, addressing the main features of the diagram. However, it lacks some detail and clarity in certain areas, such as the specific steps involved in the treatment process. To improve, the writer could include more precise descriptions of the treatment stages and their significance.
6.0

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