The diagrams below show the changes that have taken place at West Park Secondary School since its construction in 1950. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.
Sample Essay with Corrections
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The essay effectively addresses the task by summarizing the changes at West Park Secondary School since its construction, demonstrating a clear understanding of the topic. Key strengths include a logical structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion, as well as a coherent overview of the developments. However, critical areas for improvement include the need for more specific details and comparisons, such as the size of the school or the number of facilities added. The structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving spelling, and enhancing the flow of ideas with better transitions. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include incorporating specific data and a wider range of vocabulary to avoid repetition. The tone used is appropriate for an academic task, maintaining a formal and informative style throughout.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion, but the flow of ideas could be improved. Some sentences are awkwardly constructed, which affects clarity. For example, the transition between the description of the original building and the new facilities could be smoother. Using more cohesive devices, such as 'in addition' or 'furthermore,' would enhance the logical progression of ideas.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The writing demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, with several errors in verb forms and subject-verb agreement (e.g., 'have changed,' 'has been constructed,' 'was remove'). While the meaning is generally clear, these errors affect the overall accuracy. To improve, the writer should focus on using a variety of sentence structures and ensuring grammatical correctness.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several spelling errors (e.g., 'growed,' 'facilitys,' 'libray,' 'introduse') that detract from the overall quality. Additionally, there is some repetition of words like 'building' and 'school.' To improve, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary and ensure correct spelling.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The response addresses the task by summarizing the changes at West Park Secondary School since its construction. However, it lacks specific details and comparisons that would enhance the analysis. To improve, the writer could include more precise data about the size of the school or the number of facilities added, as well as clearer comparisons between the two time periods.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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